tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5398681965783793656.post8932822034162868045..comments2023-06-19T08:23:09.600-07:00Comments on Ask Dr. Shira: Help with your Angry or Disobedient Child: Is the manual helpful for three year olds?David Gottlieb, Ph.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/04967722307215902841noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5398681965783793656.post-52047220002666124362013-07-09T11:36:29.530-07:002013-07-09T11:36:29.530-07:00OK, thank you so much for those ideas. This idea o...OK, thank you so much for those ideas. This idea of anger overload isn't something I'd heard of before, but it seems to make a lot more sense than some of the other possibilities like ADHD, conduct disorder, etc. It seems our whole family has anger issues (I sure know my parents do, which rubbed off on my brother and I - low tolerance for frustration, definitely). Hers seems extreme, but maybe that's a combination of genetics and learned behavior. I truly hope that's it and not a greater problem. In all other areas, she is developing at a very typical rate (her speech is a bit slow, but I think that's from being the baby and having her sister talk for her a lot).<br /><br />Thanks again!Mom in Limbohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12976843864863281108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5398681965783793656.post-65942481416074190282013-07-09T11:30:44.868-07:002013-07-09T11:30:44.868-07:00Since a lot of the triggers have to do with not ge...Since a lot of the triggers have to do with not getting to do what she wants, I would make a list of what some of these things are, and then plan a schedule for some of these activities, and post the schedule in the kitchen so she can see when things will happen. Try to schedule things she wants to do after things you want her to do, so that there will be a natural incentive for her to cooperate with you. The idea of a routine is to help her lower her expectations to play with whatever she wants whenever she wants. Furthermore, if she knows the activity is planned for later that day or the next, she will be more likely to wait for it.<br /><br />Since her anger sometimes increases in tandem with yours, try your best to stay calm with her. Tell yourself that your daughter has a problem with anger and that she is not doing this deliberately to frustrate you. If you can see it this way, you may not get as angry with her. Use distraction and a calming space if your daughter's anger is at a relatively low level, and just try to stay out of her way (or restrain her) if she is lashing out at you. She may escalate if you say nothing because she will keep trying to get you to respond to a tantrum. But if you keep your response to a minimum, eventually (it may be a few weeks or more) she will realize that tantrums don't pay off (in the sense that you do not give her much attention during those times). Then pay attention to her when she has calmed down. This will help motivate her to work on self-control, but it may still take some weeks (or longer) if her internal soothing ability is not highly developed yet.David Gottlieb, Ph.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04967722307215902841noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5398681965783793656.post-41524522625144279342013-07-08T12:43:09.526-07:002013-07-08T12:43:09.526-07:00Thanks for your response!
She has definitely alway...Thanks for your response!<br />She has definitely always had a self-soothing issue. She sucked her thumb until a few months ago and stopped the habit with the help of a band-aid on her thumb quite easily. I was shocked!<br /><br />As for your questions:<br />1) Frequency: They can happen a few per week, then she can go a couple weeks to even a month without one. <br /><br />2) Triggers usually involve an object (she is a little hoarder with all toys), anger over being told "no", or frustration over generally not getting to do something she wants to do. She also will be acting naughty (like at bedtime), and as my anger increases, hers can too, and then sometimes it turns into a rage. That being said, she does not always go into a rage. Sometimes she cries or has a more normal fit. What is the trigger for her bad fits? It's hard to tell. I need to watch more closely to those triggers.<br /><br />3) What have I tried so far? I feel like I've tried it all for the past two years. Ignoring (she follows me and flips out even more); snuggling and being compassionate (she pushes me away); telling her she's doing great at the slightest sign of calming down (she yells "no I'm not!"); yelling at her (clearly this just adds fuel to the fire); talking to her rationally about how I can help her problem (she just babbles on very repetitive demands that make no sense). Oh, and did I mention lately she pees when she throws a fit?<br /><br />Anyway, distraction is typically the only thing that works, like a TV show. But if she knows she's being distracted, she won't buy in. <br /><br />I really like the idea of the calm space. I'll try that.<br /><br />I have her set up for a speech and behavior screening next month. She'll also start full-time daycare next month, which if it's all behavioral toward me and her grandmother (she does not do this much at all for her dad), maybe that will help.<br /><br />Thanks!Mom in Limbohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12976843864863281108noreply@blogger.com