4 yr old explosive only with family

In advance, thanks for any thoughts or insight you can provide.  We appreciate your time and expertise on this matter.  My wife and I have been having issues with our 3 (will turn 4 next week) year old daughter and to us, it sounds like the personification of Anger Overload. 

Our daughter is usually sweet and lovable with a really good vocabulary for most of the time.  She has a really good imagination and often plays by herself with her dolls or colors for long stretches by herself.  She also behaves herself perfectly fine at school (really no complaints and no violence or acting out) and with almost everyone else- other than us (my wife and I).  With us, her fuse is often incredibly short and can be lit by even the most minor (as perceived by us) slight or use of the word no.  She has a big brother (he’s almost 7) and he sets her off rather frequently as well.  

Once the tantrum or behavior has started, usually with hardly any advanced warning, she calls us every bad name she can find, often says we’re ‘meanies’ or she hates us or she doesn’t love us, and tries to throw anything she can find on the ground.  Sometimes she rips things in half or will just throw things across the room.  It’s like she’s possessed and focused on violence and destruction for as long as it lasts.  There are also frequent episodes of violence (hitting, kicking, scratching) against us or her brother mixed into these fits of anger.  The duration is anywhere from 1 minute to 20 minutes but they usually end as she explodes with emotion and regret- crying, hugging, telling us she loves us, and she’s sorry.  It has forced us to walk on eggshells for risk of setting her off and has certainly adversely affected life in our home- both for our daughter and for our entire family.

Do you have any thoughts on this?  We recently bought your book through Amazon and are just getting to read it.

Hi, 

First, keep track over the next few weeks of some of the "minor slights" or times you say "no" that lead to her outbursts.   Do you see any themes, or issues, that come up repeatedly?  If you can find find some patterns, it allows you to anticipate and try to head off a tantrum.  Admittedly there will be unexpected outbursts, but you want to try to anticipate some of them so you have a chance of preventing them.  Once a child is in anger overload, it is best to say or do as little as possible, but if someone is being hurt or something of value is being destroyed, you may have to restrain her.  

There are a number of strategies I discuss in my two volumes on anger overload in children that you can employ if you find patterns and can catch your daughter's frustration early, before she erupts.  For example, you can alter a routine so that what she wants to do comes after what you want her to do (if some task is contributing to some of the outbursts).  Another option is to use language that is balanced with "carrots" when you say no to her.  For example, when she cannot play a game, at the same time that you say no, mention when she will be able to play it.  Or use emotional distraction:  come up with a pithy saying or a visual distraction that will get her to laugh or be amused.   It is unlikely that she will rage if she is feeling amused.  The two emotions are contradictory.  I explain more about this strategy in volume one of my manual.

Often children are more explosive at home.  In your case, your daughter has no outbursts except with you and her brother.  The question is why?  Is she real sensitive because she counts so much on your approval?  Is she jealous of things her brother can do but she can't yet?  Is she strong willed and self-centered, as most three and four year olds are?  If you can figure out any underlying emotional sensitivity at home, you can try to help her out by using empathy, and by using mantras that speak to a different way for her to look at things.  I explain about mantras in my second volume.  Essentially it is a way of seeding a new idea, by repeating a catchy phrase daily before any emotional situation arises.  Over time, a child will internalize the phrase (if she pays attention when you say it--that's why it has to be "catchy").  This is one way to help your daughter begin to look at things from another perspective.  Looking at things from another perspective is difficult for young children, so expect that this strategy will not yield immediate results.

There are likely biological aspects to her rapid and intense emotional arousal, and the basic goal is to use cognitive and behavioral approaches that help her forestall the emotional outbursts.  It takes time, but it is well worth the effort.  Also remember that the part of her brain (prefrontal cortex) that helps her with self-control will develop further over the years, so that in this way, time is on your side!

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

When 9 yr old makes mistakes, watch out

  I have a 9 soon to be 10 yr old boy that has extreme anger outbursts.  I tried saying it was terrible 2's followed by treacherous 3's. Now it is physical and verbal at 9 years old, and I cannot handle it any longer. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells because I don't know when he is going to get angry.  He can be a very sweet and sensitive boy.  He is a good athlete and seems to be better when he gets more physical activities.  When he makes mistakes or gets frustrated over something he becomes both physically and verbally abusive.  He cannot handle it if his perceives someone has cheated or not played by his rules at a game.  He is often afraid of anything new.  It makes going anywhere a challenge.  He constantly needs to be entertained:  either talking to him, computer games, television, or some stimulus.  He does not play quietly by himself anymore.  It is exhausting. I have tried taking computer away, time outs, helping him when I see he is getting upset ( that usually makes thing much worse). When he gets into a rage anything you say to him just escalates the thing.  Afterwards, he feels bad and gets upset again because he can't control himself.  He is smart but does not try at school.  He does not want to stand out.  His reading is below grade level this year and is becoming an issue.  He refuses to read and makes it so hard I finally cave in.  I can't argue anymore.  It is so hard on his older brother and me.  I am at a total loss.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much.


Hi,

What you describe I see in a number of children with anger overload.  These children can be sweet and agreeable until they get frustrated by a mistake they make, or by someone else doing something that violates their sense of fair play.  Yes, talking when your child gets upset will generally not help reduce the outburst.  The key is really early intervention before the child's frustration begins.  In my second volume on anger overload in children that was published last month, I devote a section to sensitive children.  One idea is to develop a mantra that you will use daily with your son before an activity that might lead to "mistakes."  A mantra is a short saying that gets your son to look at himself in a different way.  Sensitive children tend to have high expectations of themselves, and it is impossible to always live up to such high expectations.  So it is important to have your son moderate his expectations somewhat, and that is what the mantra is designed to do.  Now it will not lead to immediate change, but over a period of several months, it is one tool that will help your child learn that "we all make mistakes" or that "mistakes are good, that means you are trying something new."  For one child, I suggested to him and his parents that he receive a hug or a reward when he made a mistake.   I explained that mistakes happen to everyone and if he can make a mistake and smile, he deserved a bonus!  For another child, we made the mantra into a funny song that helped the child remember to take a deep breath.

There are other ways to help a child change his expectations.  One is to use yourself as a role model, and every time you make a mistake, you would say out loud, "Oops, oh well, everyone makes mistakes."  Since your child looks up to you, you want to give voice to a more accepting view of mistakes.  If you talk with him about his anger, wait until he is calm later in the day, and in a non-critical way explain that everyone makes mistakes and suggest ways he could try to relax or distract himself in the future.  Do not punish him if he forgets.  It takes time to change old habits and to learn a new way to deal with frustration.  Negative consequences are often not helpful. Remember that a child is not thinking rationally during explosions, so imposing a consequence then will have no real significance to your child.

You mention your child is getting behind in his reading.  Ask his teacher if she sees any reasons why.  You mention he does not want to stand out.  Is he afraid of making a mistake in front of his classmates?  If so, you might ask the teacher to help him accept mistakes in a similar way that you would at home.  In my second volume on anger overload in children, I explain ways teachers can adapt the strategies for school time.

Take care, Dave Gottlieb, Ph.D.

3 yr old kicks and scratches at preschool

Our three year old son is very sweet and calm most of the time but he has a hard time coping when he feels left out, or is told no and doesn't get his way. He was just recently kicked out of his 3rd preschool for his behavioral issues. He only made about 2 days at this last place. Day 1 he hit 2 kids, said No to a teacher and scratched the teacher. Day 2 he kicked a teacher and his last day he was climbing up the slide and was told not to climb up the slide; this made him mad and he started throwing wood bark at the other kids and screaming. His fit was so bad that he had to be put in a separate room where he proceeded to destroy art work, and throw stuff, just very destructive. It was so bad that security had to escort my son and husband out of the facility. 

We have good routines at home:  we do time outs and we have worked with a therapy program to help our son. They introduced some relaxation techniques and games to help our son with self regulation.  He seemed to like the breathing exercises but they only work some of the time.  Our son was in a smaller in-home daycare with a small ratio only 4 children to a teacher and this helped. He had far less episodes and in the 9 months that he was there he only experienced 3 incidents of hitting and/or screaming where we were called to pick him up early. 

When we give our son 3 minute time outs he destroys his room and/or bangs on his door the whole time.  He has stopped throwing his stuff around after I brought a trash bag into his room and said I would throw his stuff away. He has an older sister who is 5 and they fight but they also play well together.  When they do fight it is normal sibling stuff, nothing out of the ordinary. We go on family outings and I take my son with me on errands and to work etc. He has always done fine 1:1. He is articulate, loving, kind and affectionate most of the time. He recognizes when he has done something wrong and he says sorry but he has zero coping when he feels hurt, ignored or left out.  

Last summer, we went to fireworks and it was scary for our son.  We were fairly close to where they were going off and the sound was scary for him.  When we left he started screaming and didn't want to get on the shuttle back to our car.  I held him tightly and we sat in the very back.  It was packed full of people and my son proceeded to scream let me go.  He was scratching me and kicking and screaming and his fit was so severe that other kids on the shuttle started to cry and everyone was staring at us. This went on for the entire shuttle ride 15 minutes.  Once we got to the car we could not buckle his seat belt and his fit continued for another 10 minutes at least. Now on that particular day we had been up early for an annual Fun Run and we had been on the go all day and he had not had a nap but he had been fine. Until the fireworks started he had been playing with the kids sitting next to us. The fireworks were what set him off. He hasn't had an episode like that since but it was very scary for my husband and I, and traumatic for all of us. Our son will be 4 in June and we are concerned that he will not be ready for public school when the time comes. Any suggestions you might have for helping him with his aggression would be greatly appreciated.


Hi, your email points to several precipitants that I often find with young children:  tiredness, loud noises, and not getting to do what they want to do.  Children's reserves get depleted if they are tired or frightened.  You learn what a child's limits are, and then you would try to avoid those triggers in the future, when possible.  

For the times he explodes when he does not get his way, like at preschool, it will be important to have a very predictable routine especially with a larger group of children.  With smaller in home daycare, there is more flexibility, and your child probably does not have to stop what he is doing so frequently.  I would recommend keeping him in daycare for another year.  During that time his brain will develop, and you can practice keeping to a schedule at home part of the day in order to prepare him for kindergarten.   When you are ready to practice for part of a day, explain ahead of time what the schedule will be.  Come up with cue words (and have him draw a picture with you of switching activities) that will remind him that it is important to go with the flow.  And have a fairly immediate reward ready for him when he is flexible and stops what he is doing and gets ready for the next activity.  For example, you could have play time and then lunch time.  If he stops playing when asked, he gets a special treat after lunch.  Be sure to remind him of the cue words before the first activity starts, and then repeat the cue words when it is almost time to switch. I explain more about this in volume two of my parenting books on anger overload in children.  

For other triggers, you would try to anticipate and use one of the strategies I outline in my first parent's manual or in my second volume of strategies for home and school.  Your use of relaxation is a good idea.  You will want to try to catch his frustration at an early stage when you can, and re-direct him to a relaxation station in your house that is fun and relaxing.  I write about this and other techniques such as emotional distraction, re-arranging the sequence, and changing a child's expectations.

Once a child loses it, there is not much you can do but hold him if he is being physically destructive.  What you did on the shuttle bus sounds right on, even though it is hard on everyone.  You have little choice at that point but to restrain him.  Children in the overload phase are not rational, and talking to them usually does not work.  I would explain to him later on when he is calm that it is important not to hurt people when he is angry.  You might say it is okay to scream for now, but if you hit, kick, scratch, or throw things, he would lose some of his toys for a few days (however long a period of time would motivate him in the future, and you don't know this until you try a certain amount of time, and see if the frequency of physical acting out diminishes over the next few weeks).  The fact that he stopped destroying his room when you took out the trash bag is a sign that he will try not to destroy things if he might lose them.

When he does return to school, it will be important to coordinate with the teacher:  introduce him to the routine ahead of time, and have a behavioral plan in place that includes cuing him, emotional distraction, relaxation stations, and potential rewards.  Depending on how much he grows emotionally in the next year, you would target specific behaviors that are disruptive or hurtful, such as throwing and kicking (if that is still going on in a year).  You could adjust the behavioral expectations depending on his progress, but be very specific about what you expect, and do it one step at a time.  In other words don't expect he will use exactly the right words to express his frustration from the get go.  As you probably recognize, change is gradual, and you want to set mini-goals for your son, and then you can change your expectations over time.

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb  

14 yr old with ADHD and anger

I have a 14 year old grandson who was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger (5 or 6). His doctor has been treating it with medication.

In the last few months he has had several outbursts of intense anger. He is all but uncontrollable when this occurs. So far we have been able to calm him down to where we can have a reasonable conversation with him.

They seem to occur when he is asked to do something he does not want to do. For example, he was asked to stop playing his video games and to pick up his sport equipment in the backyard. He did it begrudgingly and had to be asked to do it again because he only picked up that he felt needed picking up. When confronted he became sassy, disrespectful, and continued to make "the last comment."  It escalated to a point where he was told to shut down the video games and take his shower. He argued the shower over and over because in his mind he had already taken one earlier in the day before going to a birthday party. Since he played at the party and in the back yard after he got home he was asked to take another shower.  It escalated very quickly from there to another outburst.
 

What started out as what seemed to be an "isolated" incident has all but become a weekly event.  My question to you is it possible that the medication he is on for ADHD is contributing to these outbursts?

 

 

Hi, If the outbursts have increased in the last few months, think back about what might have changed in your grandson's life.  If the medication changed right before the outbursts started, then I would recommend you ask the doctor if he/she thinks there could possibly be a medication effect.  In my experience, ADHD medications do not generally lead to an increase in children's anger.  Actually if a child has ADHD, medication helps with distractability and impulsivity, and thereby make it easier for a child to learn strategies to cope with anger.

 

I wonder if your grandson has started puberty and is dealing with hormonal changes and new emotions.  Some children when they hit adolescence become more argumentative when adults ask them to do things.  You mentioned for example that he got irate when you asked him to take another shower after playing outside.  You explained that he had not expected to have to take another shower.  What I would recommend is to sit down with him when everyone is calm and explain your rules about showers.  The idea is to change your grandson's expectations ahead of time.  Another way you could do that is to remind him before he goes out to play that he will need to take a shower when he comes in. 

 

Some adults also limit game or television time in the evening until a child showers.  Then your grandson will have an incentive to shower.  If you can enforce that the television does not get turned on, then you do not have to argue with him, but let the potential consequence do the "speaking" for you.

 

If picking up things outside is another frequent issue, try to apply the same principles:  talk when everyone is calm, remind him before he goes out to play what you expect, and have something he wants to do later depend on his picking up outside.   I explain other strategies in my books on anger overload: such as a) emotional distraction, b) labelling levels of anger to develop self-awareness, and c) teaching him about other points of view. 

 

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

12 yr old explodes at home and school

My son is 12 in 5 weeks time and suffers from what I believe to be Anger Overload.

I believe what I call not normal behavior begin as a toddler.  Almost OCD like, he would flip out if for example, If he said he was going to turn the light off and I did it instead.  He would have to turn it back on and then off again.  All the while screaming and crying about it.  While the OCD type behaviour died a natural death his anger/rage bursts have escalated.

He is of above average intelligence, and does not struggle academically in school. Although he does suffer some anxiety, and requires details/explanations of the task at hand to be repeated to him at times.  He will say it's too hard or I don’t know what to do, when the task at hand is quite within him.  The same happens with homework.  He is very good at sports and participates In many activities.

His outbursts are over the slightest thing, or if he feels he has been wronged.  His rage is intense both verbally and physically. He yells, screams, crys, punches, hits, pushes etc.  There is no calming him once he gets to that danger zone.  Trying to restrain or talk to him in this moment is fruitless.  He will sometimes say he wants to kill someone (mum,.dad,younger sister) or kill himself while raging. As he has gotten older this school outbursts have lessened but near the end of each year (like now) problems arise at school again.  We have had 3 occurrences in as many weeks.  He goes to a small school of only 230 kids and so only a small group of his age to play with.  There are 2 kids especially who push his buttons.

The other worrying sign is that he appears to have what I can only describe as rage blackout.  He will recollect a school incident at home; it is rarely his fault, but when I speak to teacher more information comes out.  Then when you ask him about this he says it never happened that way, I honestly believe him too.  He has no recollection of this extra information, usually the most damning. He is always remorseful and upset after such episodes but tells us he just can't stop.

His sister is nearly 6 years younger than him, and most of his rage at home is about her.  He has next to no tolerance of her.  Don’t get me wrong,  they can play nicely together, but when it goes wrong it really goes wrong.  His outbursts at home would be 4-5 per week. We have seen psychologists since he was about 8, at first he was very uncooperative with this, but over time this situation has improved.  I just don’t know if I am wasting my time and money on something that is not helping.

He saw a pediatrician at age 8-9 who did nothing more than a GP and deduced it was a behavioral and he needs to learn to control himself. He has also had saliva hormone tests done in the past and was found to have no melatonin in his body and cortisol levels also out of whack. I am also concerned with his growth and development.  While he is of average height / weight (50 percentile). In saying this though he is the shortest in his class.

His motor skills ?? are not progressing.  He has done athletics since he was 8-9 years old and still sprinting, jumping same times and distances as he is now nearly a 12 year old.

I don’t know much about this but I would assume that between ages 4-14 we all get faster, jump higher/longer etc even if we have no sporting ability.

The entire situation is tearing our family apart., and I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I  read the above and it doesn’t sound that bad, but believe me I don’t know how much more we can take.  I am falling apart, my husband is at his wits end, and I fear for our daughter, how this is affecting her seeing this behaviour constantly.  I fear for him as he gets older and what will become of him if he continues down this path.

Hi, It sounds like you have been through a lot and have not seen much improvement.  There are a number of strategies I recommend in my Parent's Manual for Anger Overload in Children, and in the recently published Anger Overload in Children, volume two.  In volume two, I make some additional suggestions for helping sensitive children deal with anger, and I also explain how to apply the strategies in school.  One important idea is trying to catch a child's frustration early, before it escalates into a tantrum. Admittedly this is not always possible because children can escalate so quickly.  

What you want to do first is chart each time your son loses it over the next few weeks, and then look for patterns or themes.  Then you would develop a strategy to deal with each theme.  For example, if he is frustrated when he feels the homework is too hard (though he can do it, you explained) you could prompt him before starting the homework in one of these ways to encourage him to hang in there:  "Homework can be hard, and it's okay to make mistakes."  Or "everyone makes mistakes."  Or "just do what you can, no one is perfect."  The idea is to normalize mistakes and thereby lessen his feelings of frustration.  Other possible strategies, such as emotional distraction, relaxation, and changing the sequence are explained in other blog posts and in my two books on anger overload.

If he has trouble with certain kids in school, try to find out what happens before he gets angry, and see if you or the teacher can use a mantra (or short saying) each day to remind him how to handle it.  The more you can anticipate and help him "normalize" certain frustrations, or help him learn how to deal with frustrations, you might be able to prevent some upsets.  You are right that it is hard to intervene once a child is in the overload phase.

Your son sounds a little rigid: you mention the earlier OCD.  Make sure the psychologist you see has ruled out Asperger's, which is a high functioning level of autism.  This is not likely, but you want to rule it out.  The fact that he does not remember all the details of the problems in school is not that unusual.  I find many children either minimize or forget what they did in school that contributed to the problems.  What might help is for the school counselor to meet with your son regularly to go over some of the incidents while they are still fresh in his mind, and gently help him see the connection between what he said or did, and what the other student said or did.  Then the counselor might be able to suggest a strategy for your son to deal with the  other student, or suggest a strategy the teacher could use to intervene before an outburst might occur again.  

If you feel your son is not developing motor skills or coordination, you could get a consult from a developmental pediatrician or a pediatric occupational therapist (OT).  OT's look at sensory integration and motor skills.  

Hope you see gradual improvement in the coming months, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

Manual Update Now Available

The supplement to the anger overload manual is now available ( at the publisher's site:  https://www.createspace.com/5326409 ). You can also find the parent's manual and update on sites like Amazon. The update is entitled "Anger Overload in Children:  Additional Strategies for Teachers and Parents."  The paragraph below is a description of what is covered in this new supplement to my manual. 
 
This update is a helpful companion text for parents and teachers who are using Dr. Gottlieb's manual: "Anger Overload in Children." Since Dr. Gottlieb's manual was published in 2012, he has received several hundred stories and questions from parents and teachers. In this supplement to his manual, Dr. Gottlieb provides detailed answers to many of the questions he has received. He introduces additional strategies for the home and shows how many of the strategies can be adapted for school. Some of the topics that are covered: a) how to help sensitive children keep perspective, b) what teachers can do for blow-ups at school, c) when to use incentives and consequences, d) how to intervene before a child reaches the overload phase, e) how to handle some common triggers, f) how to motivate a child to work on cognitive strategies, and g) how to find professional help. If your child has frequent angry outbursts, this series by Dr. Gottlieb will teach you how to help your child develop better self-control.

10 yr old's outbursts affect whole family

Dr. Gottlieb,
My daughter is 10 years old and has had explosive rages since she just turned 6 years old. When she was 5 1/2 years our family moved.  Initially, I faulted the stress of the transition to her fits of rage. Moving and a baby brother maybe proved too much. Then, I faulted myself for taking her from an environment where she was doing well and not being able to help her cope. Four years later, and I have taken her to four different doctors here  (none of whom had worked with children with her symptoms, but our only options here) and I have spent hours and hours reading articles and books about defiant children. I feel like I have tried every suggestion. Your article about anger overload fits my daughter more so that anything else I have read. One counselor here considered Opposition Defiance Disorder which fit most indicators but not all.
The conflict she creates is taking a toll on our family. My husband and I argue about how best to handle her outbursts. I would tell you that he is too inconsistent and undermines me in front of our daughter, and he would tell you that I am too rigid with the rules. Our youngest son is beginning to mimic her hateful words, and our middle child is losing attention. I try to set days aside for her alone and then our oldest screams how unfair I am. She lashes out then at our middle child and calls her "perfect" in a hateful way. And screams that she hates her which makes our middle, tender-hearted girl burst into tears.
We need some help to put this family back to a loving, supportive place. Do you have any suggestions? Thank you for your time.




Hi,


First, it would be important for you and your husband to talk together when the children are not around about how you will handle the rules.  If you are not both on the same page about a certain issue, either meet in the middle, or don't make a new rule, but enforce the ones you have agreed on.

I would not recommend talking or disciplining your child while she is in anger overload.  In my manual, I explain that any conversation usually causes a child's anger to escalate, plus she is receiving your attention during a blow-up, and that can lead to an increase in blow-ups.

Try to observe what some of your child's triggers are.  What is going on before she is angry?  Who is she talking with and what is the issue about?  You imply that one trigger may be jealousy of her sibling.  You want to try to intervene before she gets extremely angry, and in order to do that you need to identify a few of her triggers.  As an example, if jealousy is an issue, you could cue her before you start doing something with the middle child that you are going to be doing an activity with her sibling for a little while, but when you are done, you will do something with her.  Talk about options for her to do while you are busy.   Praise her if she waits without screaming (even if she interrupts you, even if she is not perfect about waiting).  You want to gradually shape her behavior so that over time you might expect more patience.  I talk about this in my anger overload parent's manual and in my soon to be published update.

For other triggers that you can identify, plan an early intervention.  One idea is to help your child realize that she has different levels of anger by labeling the different levels with neutral words.  Cue her at the early stage with the neutral word, and help her think of what she can do when she is at a lower level of anger (when she is still thinking rationally).  Another possibility is to use "emotional distraction."  That is, come up with a funny or interesting saying that will divert her attention from whatever is bothering her.  I explain more about this in the manual.  

Certainly you will not identify all triggers, and even if you do, you may not always be able to head off a tantrum.  But if you can reduce the frequency, everyone in the household will benefit.   Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb