8 yr old loses temper in school

Hi there
I have recently read your article on the above subject. I have an 8yr old boy who losses his temper and gets frustrated only at school. He was born by emergency c-section and his dominent hand is his left. Do you have any suggestions as to why this could be only happening at school. Is there any articles or books which would be useful for me to read?

Many thanks.

Hi, In volume two of my parent's manual, I have a whole section on how to apply interventions in the school setting.  I go over the strategies for each level of anger: a) prevention strategies (like changing the sequence and lowering a child's expectations), b) strategies for low levels of anger (like emotional distraction and relaxation), and c) strategies for high levels of anger,  Also I explain how schools have an advantage over home life in using rewards and consequences.  I explain how to tailor rewards and consequences for anger issues.

I would also suggest you rule out other sources of frustration in school, such as learning issues and attention deficit disorder.  If his academic work is good across the board, then learning disabilities are unlikely. If he pays good attention, then attention disorders are unlikely.  So then what I would suggest is that the teachers keep track of your child's triggers (what situations more often lead to outbursts) and use some of the above strategies for each trigger.  Sometimes it helps for parents to meet periodically with the teachers to plan strategies together.  That way you can discuss progress with your child at home after school, and then remind him in the mornings before school (using mantras) how he can deal with frustrating events in school. 

I know of no evidence that left handedness or birth by C-section relate to angry outbursts. Was the pediatrician concerned about brain abnormalities from the birth?  Has your child's development been otherwise normal?

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb 

10 yr old with trauma and ADHD

I have a 10 yr old daughter that I'm at my end of rope.  We never had any problems with her until 2nd grade in school where she experienced trauma from a male teacher. Her father and I reach out and got help for her and been having an in home behavior therapist coming in once a week now.  2 yrs later she has an explosive temper that she gets so mad she doesn't even realize what she says to people, and she will scream, yell, throw, swear, hit, and if you don't pay attention to her it still goes on for hours and it seems like it happens when she can't get her way or what she wants to hear and school has started to become a nightmare with her and her teacher. I don't know what to do because she is on meds for ADHD . Please can you help.

Hi, I would recommend a consult with a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in childhood disorders.  There are so many possible causes.  ADHD can occur with other conditions such as post traumatic stress disorder, mood disorders (like bipolar disorder), oppositional defiant disorder, or learning disorders.  You would want a full evaluation to rule  out these possibilities.  Not sure what the trauma was in 2nd grade, but post traumatic stress disorder can last for more than two years sometimes.  Did her anger issues start right after the trauma?  

My parent's manual on anger overload suggests a number of strategies that you could try after you have ruled out or treated other disorders.  You would want to observe what is happening when she doesn't like what she hears (you wrote that is when she explodes). What is she doing or wanting when she erupts?  And you say school is a nightmare--what happens there?  You would then try to target some of the times she has anger overload, by either avoiding the trigger (if possible), or re-arranging the sequence so that something she wants comes after she does what an adult asks of her.  There are also emotional distraction strategies that can help if she hasn't already hit the anger overload stage.  The activity has to be emotionally engaging for it to be effective.  

In the second volume of my parent's manual, I also explain how to use mantras (short, memorable sayings) and I make suggestions for dealing with anger in school.  Feel free also to read some of the other blog posts that explain about mantras and school problems in more detail.   

But first, you need to talk with your behavior therapist and probably get an evaluation with a psychologist or psychiatrist who could rule out other disorders.  It doesn't sound like she is making progress at this time. Is an underlying issue contributing to her exploding?    Wish I could be of more help.  Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb  

Will manual help for 3 year old?

I just came across your blog and book in researching about my 3.5 year old's lengthy tantrums/anger outbursts. He fits your descriptions perfectly. As much as I would like to think your book would help, I wonder if he is too young to use the coping skills and  tactics? He has absolutely no ability to reason. What age do you think is the earliest the practical skills would be appropriate?

Hi, The parent's manual is divided into three sections.  The first explains the key characteristics and the biological evidence for anger overload, the second section offers strategies that a parent implements, and the third section is about teaching children new skills for self-control.  The third section requires the child's cooperation.  For the skills in this section, the child must be able to observe his own behavior, and also be able to realize that other people can have different points of view.  This section I would recommend for children ages 8 and up (though this can vary depending on each child's cognitive development).  

The strategies in the second section, the ones where the parent is the "agent" of change can be used effectively with three year olds.  These strategies do not need a child to directly participate.  There are prevention strategies that involve lowering a child's expectations or re-arranging the sequence of events, before a child would get mad.  Then I explain emotional distraction techniques that a parent can use.  These are most helpful if used while a child is starting to get angry but before he explodes.  For anger overload, it is better to ignore and say as little as possible.  But if a child is harming someone or breaking valuable items, I explain how restraining the child becomes necessary.  Finally, I write about when to use praise and consequences, and explain how parents could model some of the strategies for their child.

So it is the middle section that will be helpful for younger children.  I explain some of the above concepts like emotional distraction in other blog posts and of course in the parent's manual.  Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

8 yr old disobedient, hyperactive, and steals

Hello, 
I have been battling with my 8 year old son for several years now. He is extremely hyperactive even on a stimulant medication (medadate). He struggles in school and is very disrespectful and very disobedient when asked to do simple things. He has been tried on several stimulant medications. Also he is taking intuniv and respiradone which doesn't seem to help especially with with his extreme impulsive disrespectful disobedient behavior. Also for several months now he has begun to steal money from us and at times from stores. 
If possible I would love your input in this matter. Because I have seriously considered  finding a military based boot camp. Because if he continues down this path he is on I am worried he could hurt his 2 month old sister when he gets in his uncontrollable aggressive  rages of anger.


Hi, Here is what I would try first before considering military school.  I would try to have him in psychotherapy.  My parent's manual gives a number of strategies for anger overload, but for children who are hyperactive and stealing in addition to having outbursts, it would be important to have professional help. You want someone who can figure out what some causes might be for your son's behavior, and someone who works with children and families.

Secondly, it will be important to work closely with the school staff.  Is he struggling in school because of his hyperactivity, or might he have a learning disability?  The school could help rule that out.  

With children who are out of control in school and at home, it is important to coordinate strategies with the school. It is real important that you and the teachers work together.  Ask for an IEP (individualized education plan).   Since your son's behavior is affecting his learning, your son is entitled to extra services.  Sometimes a smaller specialized classroom is called for.  Sometimes the school can make modifications in a child's current classroom.  See what the staff thinks would be the best classroom situation for your son.  Then check out what class or plan is offered to make sure you think it will be helpful for your child.

If that does not lead to changes, or if you have already tried these suggestions for a period of time, then you could check out boarding schools.  Military schools can help, but you want one that has a caring environment as well as structure and discipline.  Your son's school district should consider residential placement, and pay for it, if an intensive day program has been tried and failed to help. .  Keep in mind that if your son is hyperactive, he will most likely need to stay on medication, so you want a school that accepts that.  

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb  

5 yr old has daily outbursts

I just found your blog while doing a "google search" about anger management/tantrum issues in 5 year olds.  I guess I'm just looking for a little insight.

At first reading about anger overload, it sounds very much like it describes my son.  I have two boys, an 8 yr old and an almost 5 year old.  It's my youngest son who is having the anger outbursts.  He's in preschool 3 days a week and will be starting Kindergarten next September. 

He usually has more than one but less than 5 outbursts of anger in a day.  He is very physical and loves to have wrestling time with Dad or with his older brother.  There is usually lots of competition between the two brothers.  Older son usually escalates things and feels the need to compete with the younger, which generally makes issues worse. 

When he becomes angry it is escalated very quickly and he can become irrational.  A typical instance would be he was playing with older brother and decided he didn't like something, so he kicks, punches or hits him.  I try to reprimand to send him to his room for a time out but am met with him yelling at me, telling me I'm a mean mommy.  He wishes he had another mommy.  It could even be something more simple such as me asking him to eat another bite of his dinner and he might start yelling that I'm a mean.  Sometime he can get over a bout of anger fairly quick and other times it takes awhile or escalates.

He does have tantrums sometimes that result in extreme bouts of crying where nothing we seem to do helps him.  He doesn't calm when I hold him, yet he'll still want me to be with him.  Usually tantrums happen from him not getting some item he thought he'd get or when he has just woken up from a nap.  He is still usually taking daily naps of about an hour.  This morning he started yelling at me about a candy cane that he couldn't have until after school.  Then the candy cane broke and it quickly turned into a crying, full blown, tantrum.  Tantrums with him usually last anywhere from 10-40 minutes depending on the situation, or if he's tired.  Occasionally he'll hit or motion to hit me or his father when he's very upset.

Once he's calmed down from an instance he'll usually apologize on his own accord and be very calm and caring.  But it doesn't take long until his next outburst.  We talk a lot with him about taking a time out for himself to gain control.  About how hurting people is never okay and he's allowed to tell us how he feels, rather then hurting to express himself.  He's stated that when he gets upset that he's really frustrated and lot control.  We also tell him how he can do some deep breathing or just walk away instead of letting something upset him to the point of anger.

He has had some issues with hitting, yelling at or kicking kids at school.  He seems to be a little better now than he was at the beginning of the year, however the teacher said he still sometimes has some problems, but she won't tell us about it unless it's more of an extreme problem.  She has a theory that my son, along with a select other number of boys in the class which are also younger siblings, have an extreme sense of needing and demanding to be "top dog" since they can never be top at home.  I can see how this may be an issue with my son.  He does always want to be the "leader" and ahead of big brother and recently went through a phase where he kept asking, "when I'm 8, can I do ... too?

I'd appreciate any ideas or tips you might have to help me deal with his angry outbursts.  Thank you.

Hi, 

It does sound very frustrating.  You mention several triggers:  1) things not going his way in a game with his brother, 2) not getting an item he thought he would get, 3) waking up from a nap.  It helps to know some of the triggers because then you can anticipate when he might have an upset and try to avoid the situation, if possible.  If you can't avoid a situation, you would try to lower his expectations in advance.  For example, in games with his brother you would tell him just before he starts that he is probably going to lose because his brother is older, or you could say everyone loses sometimes.  For things he expects, you would lower those expectations.  For example, you could say we only have candy at _____time.  You do this every time you think he is expecting something, or every time he is about to play with his brother.  

If he still escalates you could try emotional distraction.  You would say something amusing, silly or captivating to your son in order to try to change his mood.  I write about this more in my parent's manual.  But if he tantrums, you say as  little as possible so long as everyone is safe.  At that time, do not talk about consequences because your child will not be rational when he is in overload, and will likely escalate the more you say at that point.

For waking up for naps, you could do a warm up activity that he likes, whether it is reading a story, watching a short video, eating a snack--something that is not likely to trigger an outburst and something he likes as he is becoming more awake. 

You mention he might want to be the leader, in which case, try to think of ways he can be a big boy and help you--maybe in the kitchen he could  help set the table.  It has to be something he wants to do, and something you make a big deal over how much you need his help and how much you appreciate it after he helps.

I know this just scratches the surface with the number of tantrums you face daily.  But if you can make some headway with some tantrums, it is likely to help everyone feel better, and he will begin to see the benefits of having self control, i.e. you praise and listen to him more when he has self control (and ignore him the best you can while he is in overload).  

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

9 yr old with OCD and anger overload

Dear Dr. Gottlieb,

We bought your anger overload manual for parents, and it described perfectly what we are seeing in our 9 year old girl who has OCD.

In your experience, are your strategies effective on kids who have anger overload from OCD?  Would any of the techniques you offer need to be modified as we continue to support our daughter?

Are there any other resources you would recommend for this combination of symptoms?

Many thanks.

Hi, A book I have found helpful in working with children with OCD is "Talking Back to OCD" by Dr. John March, a psychiatrist from Duke University.  He has an approach for OCD that is similar to what I recommend for anger overload:  Teach the child how to be the boss of her thoughts.  

Some of my strategies are not actually taught to the child but are employed by the parents, especially at the outset, but then the child becomes a partner and is taught ways to be in control.  For example, one strategy is using mantras.  This is explained in some of my previous blog posts and in my two parents' manuals, and can be used for anger overload and for OCD.  Mantras are ways to help children take a different perspective and thereby help them feel more in control of their anger.  

The strategies in my manual can be employed with children who have OCD.  Think about what some of her routines or obsessive thoughts are, and also think about what some of he anger triggers are.  How much overlap is there?  Does the anger come when she is being rigid and can't adapt well to the demands of the situation.  Will humor and emotional distraction work to help her move on?  Or will new mantras help her look at the situation differently and prevent her getting into a rigid behavior pattern?  

If the problem is obsessive thoughts, and not ritualistic behaviors, try to teach her that she can be the boss of her thoughts, and maybe draw a picture or sing a tune of her "beating" the thoughts.  Dr. March's book and my manuals speak to changing a child's thoughts. Practice the new mantra and admire her whenever she tries to use it.  Make sure she does not expect it to work perfectly, because OCD children sometimes expect themselves to be perfect.  Trying the new strategy would be the goal, whether or not it helps right away.

Do some of her OCD habits come after she is angry?  Does she have negative self-talk and guilt after she explodes in anger.  In that case, you can forestall the OCD by using the strategies in my manuals to lessen anger overload.

Basically, think about how the two issues overlap, and then focus on the initial triggers to to try change her response.  First, you would keep an anger diary, so to speak, in order to see how the two issues interact and what some of the triggers are. Then you would look through the manuals to apply the strategies to those triggers.  

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

5 yr old acts out for no reason

Hi Dr. Dave,
My 5 year old son has anger overload.  I recently purchased your Parent's Manual...the explanation is spot on and your approaches to when to intervene have really helped.  My son has 2 triggers that come together as one main trigger.  He doesn't like to be corrected (fussed at) and doesn't like to lose.  Combined, he easily disappoints himself.  

However, he will sometimes purposely disobey, for no apparent reason, and I will correct him.  It is almost as if he goes into this dark, vindictive world with the purpose of receiving negative attention.  We make a point to praise positive behavior, so the negativity out of left field is very upsetting.  His dad and I have been divorced since he was 18 months and he has never displayed any of this behavior with his dad (we have 50/50 custody and are amicable). Besides me, he had one anger overload outburst at school recently.  The triggers are random and seem to have no apparent reason.  Thoughts?  I should also note that he is very intelligent, well above his peers, and has many friends (no social anxiety).


Hi, It sounds like you identified a couple of his triggers, but there are times your son explodes and it doesn't fit a pattern, other than maybe to get negative attention.  And you mention that this happens with you but not his father.  Keep track of when he has overload the next few weeks, and see if there are any patterns besides the two triggers you already figured out.  Is he tired, frustrated by something else, or wanting attention?  

Your email suggests the latter as a possibility (he wants attention) even though you praise positive behavior.  If that is the case, if you can catch it early, try to use emotional distraction. You could make a silly unrelated comment, or talk about something he likes to talk about. But if he is already in anger overload, try to say and do as little as possible,  If he is wanting attention, you don't want to give it when he is in overload.  When he has calmed down then do a short activity with him, or talk about something he might be interested in.  

I know it must be frustrating since you already praise his positive behaviors. However, sometimes children get bored or feel out of sorts and want to interact with their parents, even when they have been getting attention throughout the day.  We want him to learn to reach out in a positive way.  When he is calm, like at dinner or bedtime,  you may even suggest ways to get your attention if he feels bored.  He could ask you a question, or come give you a hug, for example.  Suggesting this to him won't lead to his immediately doing it. However, over time he may remember how to connect when he is bored.  

The above comments assume he is seeking attention.  But if you identify a different trigger, then your approach may be different.  You might also ask his father if he uses any strategies that help.  You mentioned this does not happen with Dad.  Maybe you are gentler, and he is "experimenting" with this negative behavior.  See if you can figure it out, without giving him too much attention during the overload phase..  Best, David Gottlieb, Ph.D.