9 yr old's outbursts if hurt or if makes a mistake

Hello,  I have a 9 year old son.  He is a very smart boy bit also can be a very easily angered boy. Ever since he was very little he has been showing "anger overload". Since as far back as I can remember whenever my son would get hurt or embarrassed especially in front of people he would get quickly very mad and scream "don't look at me", followed by kicking or throwing or shoving someone or something. He still does this at age 9 but doesn't seem to do it at school very much.  He does do it in public and at family's houses and once at a friend's house. He also gets very angry if he gets answers wrong on his homework and such. He will instantly get mad and call himself stupid.  Same with playing with his brother if he is accidentally hurt, he instantly turns to anger.  When he is in time-out for bad behavior it is a screaming,  mocking me,  hitting,  kicking walls,  loudly praying and begging God for help and sobbing.  When not in an anger episode he is attentive,  loving,  engaging and a funny boy.  I took him to a counselor and he was quick to say ADHD even though he scored low on both mine and his teacher's evaluation.  If you have any thoughts it would be greatly appreciated! 

Thank you for your time.

Hi, You have begun on the right path by identifying some of the situations that lead to your son's rage.  The next step is to think about how to change your child's expectations or change the sequence of events before his anger escalates.  Once it escalates, it is best to say or do nothing, unless he is seriously hurting himself or someone else.  When in the overload phase, children generally do not listen until they are able to calm down.  

When he is not upset, I would recommend you begin to talk with him about one of his issues, for example when he makes mistakes.  You would work on trying to change his expectations so that making mistakes is "good" or "expected."  One way is to talk about mistakes you have made and how it is frustrating and how you try to deal with them.  Also you could talk about how making mistakes on homework is good because it shows he is learning new stuff.  If he made no mistakes that would be bad because that would mean he knows everything already and is not learning.  A third way to talk with kids about mistakes is to explain how some famous people made a lot of mistakes.  For example, you could get a book about Albert Einstein, the famous scientist, that explains he made tons of mistakes in spelling, and even in some of his scientific theories.  All creative people make mistakes plenty of times.  You would not hit him with this information all at once.  Try one or two approaches at a time, and stick with it for a month or more, and see if it gets through to him.  

An additional technique I write about in the parent's manual is to create a saying together with your son to help him remember that mistakes are good or normal.  For example, "everyone makes mistakes," or "Mom will be happy I made some mistakes today," or "Famous people make tons of mistakes."  You would repeat the saying with him before bed, or at some other time each day, for a month or more.  

It is hard for some children to control their anger.  So the process takes some time.  You mentioned he has had anger issues since he was younger, and this is common for children with anger overload.  Their brains react strongly and the self-control mechanisms in the cortical areas of the brain take time to develop.  By teaching him strategies, you will be helping his brain develop better control of angry feelings.  In my parent's manual I describe other strategies, such as teaching calming techniques, using distraction, and teaching your child to recognize early signs that he is beginning to get frustrated.  Early intervention is the key, whether it is a strategy you employ or one that your son learns to use himself.  My parent's manual is divided into two parts:  one has strategies you can use without your son's direct involvement, and the second half has strategies you work on together with your son.

Regarding ADHD, you would expect to see a number of signs at school and at home of distractability, impulsivity, and/or hyperactivity.  The signs would be present throughout the day and not just when he was frustrated. It is possible to have ADHD and anger overload, though.   If you want to learn more about ADHD, there are a number of parent's books on ADHD including a book I co-wrote some years ago about dual diagnoses (for children who have ADHD and another problem with it) called "Why is my child's ADHD not better yet?".  However, your examples sound more like anger overload!  

Take care, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

Update on 8 yr old's outbursts playing little league

Hi Dr. Gottlieb,

I emailed you last summer and you responded, thank you.

Our son, now 8, has been diagnosed with Anxiety. Maybe performance anxiety. They are uncertain. His therapist said maybe mood disorder along the depression spectrum.

Anyway, he is on 10mg of Prozac and seems happier overall, engaged, laughing etc. He is passionate about baseball. And if you recall last spring we had a terrible time with him on the field. Didn't matter if it was practice or games, he was very hard on himself, blurting out a swear word here and there, sometimes throwing his hat, bat or glove. It was pretty obvious that he was struggling and having anger outbursts. The coaches were pretty supportive telling us not to pull him but to let him play as this is where he'll learn.

Well we are headed into about 8 weeks of spring ball. He hasn't played any sports outside of gym class just because we haven't been able to handle the stress as a family.

We see more positive signs going into baseball this year, but are afraid of what we might encounter again this year.

We are trying to find a sports therapist, or someone along that lines. We just don't understand the undue pressure he puts on himself competitively and then gets upset when he doesn't perform or even gets upset if a ball isn't hit to him. Also, gets upset if his team looses. We do not put any pressure on him to play or not play. We just want him to have fun like the other 8 year old boys on the field.

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

Thank you Dr. Gottlieb

Hi, Last year in the post of June 4, 2013 you mentioned that you had given him time to cool down and had refrained from engaging him while he was in overload.  That is an important first step.  Next think about whether your son shows concern about his outbursts, that is, whether he indicates a wish to have better self control.  If not, the first step is to help him become aware of the problem and help him to develop self-observation skills. I discuss this at the beginning of the second half of the manual (see pages 32-37).  

If your son is already aware that he gets frustrated on the baseball field, then you would move to the strategies that involve changing one's perspective (i.e., seeing another point of view) and learning a "mantra," or saying that reinforces the new perspective.  Here's one possible thing you could say if your son finds it meaningful:  You could talk about how making mistakes are important, that if someone doesn't make mistakes, they are not human, they would be a machine, and we don't want you to be a machine, so please make some mistakes on the field.  

Another possible discussion could occur after you watch a professional game on television and talk about players making errors or striking out.  Talk about how they must feel.  Help him to see that upset feelings are okay but loud outbursts are signs that one's frustration has gotten out of control.  Ask him to think about what he could do when he feels the frustration coming on.  How could he reassure or distract himself so that he avoids a loud outburst?

Practice whatever strategy you decide on together before each game and practice.  Then ask afterward if he tried it.  Give him plenty of praise for trying, regardless of whether it worked.  Reassure him that the strategy takes time to work because frustration can be a powerful emotion.  It is important to warn him that it takes time, so that he does not become self-critical when he cannot control his emotions.

Lastly, try to use yourselves as models.  Talk out loud when you get angry about how you feel and what you are trying to do to calm down.  The more he sees other people working on self control, the more likely he will be motivated to try too.

All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

6 yr old hurts his siblings

Hello Dr. Dave!

I am writing about my 6.5 year old son. He is the youngest of 3. He is a sweet, loving, caring and extremely intelligent boy. But he has these outbursts (he always has) where he is out of control and so angry. He never exhibits this behavior at school or when he is on a play date (when I am not there). We have a great life, he has everything he needs but not overly. My husband is also very intelligent, and has similar outbursts (not physical just gets angry very quickly.) I am home with the kids, I only work one day while they are in school.

We have had our son in therapy for a bit now but it isn't helping at all. Our son takes out his aggression on his 8 year old sister for the most part. She cries constantly because he hurts her (physically & verbally). My daughter also has screaming fits but nothing physical at all.

He even hits and kicks his 13 year old brother who rarely fights back. He has started cutting holes in his walls now and destroys things he knows we love.  Everyone is afraid of him!

But then he is a sweet, cuddly, huggy little guy. He has great focus and pays attention so I am not concerned about ADD or ADHD. He makes great eye contact and is very personable.

I don't allow kids at the house anymore because our son is so unpredictable. The last play date he yelled and screamed for the boy to leave--he didn't want to share his toys. Our son shares my love for animals and we talk about animal rights and how to care for them all the time. He loves that. He is very athletic and loves art.

I am to the point where I am considering medication for him. Any thoughts?

Thank you dearly in advance. I will do anything to get our lives back on track.

Hi, First, I would recommend you try some of the strategies in the first half of my book that are specifically designed for anger overload for young children.  If your son is still in therapy, you could discuss the strategies and work on a plan with your child's therapist.  I would recommend you and your husband meet together with the therapist to plan and then to review the effectiveness of your interventions. If your child's therapist does not work on strategies with parents, then I would suggest you ask him/her for a referral to a professional who works with parents and families.  I find that parent meetings and family therapy are more effective in reducing anger overload than individual child therapy.  

Most young children are not attuned to the causes of their angry outbursts and are not particularly motivated to change their behavior, so that individual therapy for anger overload is not usually that helpful (unless there is some underlying source of anxiety or unhappiness that can be addressed with the child).  Hopefully in time your child will become more motivated to control his behavior, and I discuss in my book some ways to help a child realize how important a goal this is.  As a child becomes more interested in self-control, there are a number of additional strategies (in the second half of my book) that can be implemented with a child's participation.

Though you explain that your son's anger overload has been going on a long time, I would hesitate about medication, unless there are other types of problems (like anxiety or a mood disorder) in addition to anger overload.  There is no medication that focuses only on anger without the possibility of significant side effects. Often psychiatrists will try either mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, or "atypical" anti-psychotic medications, but there can be side effects, such as weight gain or sedation when anti-psychotics are used.

A first step before planning some strategies is to make notes of the types of situations that provoke your child's anger.  Look for themes.  You mention one so far in your comments: when he did not want to share his toys.  If you have not done so yet, you would try to discuss with your son his concerns about sharing (when he is calm), and help him try to figure out a way to share some toys and put away others (that he does not want to share) before a play date comes over.  The basic idea of this strategy is to try to prevent an outburst, by preparing in advance and trying to avoid the precipitant.  

Another strategy is to lower your child's expectations (if a source of frustration is disappointment in someone or something).   You mention that your son hurts his siblings. Observe what is going on before he strikes out. Is he wanting their attention, or does he feel they are somehow in his way, or is he bored? Once you identify the precipitant, you can apply strategies that lower your child's expectations or change the sequence, such that you avoid some of the triggers.   For example, if he is angry that they are not doing things with him, you would try to lower his expectations (later when he is calm) and help him and his siblings think of ways to interact positively (change the sequence).

Another type of strategy I call emotional distraction.  You can use this approach if you can catch your son's anger in its early stages (if there are early signs of frustration).  I explain in the book that emotional distractions "speak" to a child's emotional brain.  There is a biological basis for anger overload:  the rational part of our brains (specifically the "prefrontal cortex") is sometimes not able to control the emotional signals from the inner "limbic system" of the brain.  Emotional distractions aim to create a different emotional response (such as laughter) that blocks the arousal of anger.  It is hard to laugh and be angry at the same time!  So if you can get your child to laugh at a silly joke or comment, you block the arousal of anger. Once your child is "amused" or laughing, you could then more easily re-direct him.

Take a look at other posts on the blog and/or read my parents' manual for more details about these and other ways to help a child learn self-control.  All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

Strategies for 4 yr old: Should you spank?

Hi Dr. Gottlieb,

I came across some articles today on Anger Overload while I was researching about my 4 year old son. FINALLY, something that describes his behavior accurately.

My son is generally a very sweet, well mannered and extremely caring boy. He is extremely intelligent and does very well academically. Both parents are in the home and we have a good relationship, we fight occasionally but generally get along well. He has a younger sister who is 2. Both my husband and I are very Type A people, strong willed and driven. We see a lot of that in our son. While he is very sweet, he often has angry outbursts that end in hitting his sibling, a friend, parent or teacher. He has exhibited anger since he was under a year old. I would notice that when he was working on a puzzle or something, if he couldn't get it right he would get extremely angry. This has progressed as he's gotten older.

Now, he can have several "Hulk"-like outbursts a day. It's causing trouble at school and I feel bad for us and him. Once he has an outburst and hits someone he will often quickly apologize, but we have got to find a way to stop the physical violence before it gets worse. Right now, it's worse at school than at home. I often try to "talk him down" when he is angry and this sometimes works and he will "be happy again".

I just purchased a copy of your book and I'm looking forward to getting started with it. A few questions:

1) Would you recommend that he see a psychologist?

2) You seem to stress parental interaction, how important is teacher interaction?

3) With consequences, what are your feelings related to spankings? We are thinking that we need to be tougher with him than we are right now. None of us like the idea of corporal punishment, but we're not sure what else to do. 

Thanks and I look forward to your response.

Hi, In answer to your questions, let me first say that parent interaction is key at home, and teacher interaction is key at school.  With younger children especially, most of the interventions need to be initiated by the adult.  Generally most 4 year olds will not be able to anticipate nor modulate their outbursts on their own.  The frontal cortex (that is critical for self-observation and planning) is not fully developed.  For strong willed children and for children who have quick emotional reactions, this can be a problem.  Their emotional energy is strong but the cognitive capacity to handle it is not all there yet.
 

After you have observed some patterns of behavior and have ideas about some of the precipitants, you or his teacher would try to intervene before your son reached the overload phase.  You will see in the manual that I explain how to lower a child's expectations (if this is one cause).  I also recommend parents alter the sequence of events in order to avoid a potential anger-arousing situation, when possible.

The next "line of defense" if a child has begun to get frustrated is to use either "emotional distraction" or calming techniques.  I describe in the manual how to use distraction and how to set up a calming zone.

In answer to your questions about spankings, I find that this does not usually work.  There may be an initial decrease in violence by your child if you spank him, but his anger will continue to be aroused frequently (because of his biological stage of development and because of his strong willed personality) and you will not want to spank him repeatedly.  Also, spanking on a regular basis can lead to more violent reactions by your child because he may model your actions when he gets frustrated.

I have found that incentives and consequences help reduce anger for some children but not others.  If you want to try incentives and consequences, they need to be meaningful to your child and fairly immediate.  It is sometimes trial and error to find what might motivate your child.  But remember that the problem is not really that your child isn't trying; the problem is that there is strong arousal along with limited cognitive capacity to observe and modulate emotion.  Incentives and consequences do not work so well in that case; they are more effective when the problem is a lack of motivation on the part of a child.

There are certain communication techniques to keep in mind with young children.  Generally, it helps to remain calm, give concrete and positive commands, and specify one request at a time.  For example, if a child is running around when they should be sitting, it would be better to say "Come sit by me" rather than say "stop running around."  And keep in mind that children with anger overload tend to already provoke a lot of negative reactions from others, so more punishment is not usually going to help.

As for the question about professional help, it depends whether you make headway in the coming few months.  It often takes a long time to see a huge change, but you would want to see some improvement in the next few months; otherwise consulting a professional is a good idea.  Some parents find it is helpful to both work with a professional and use my workbook at home.  There may be particular characteristics of your situation that a professional could pick up on.

All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb 

     

Mom worries about her 10 yr old daughter

Dear Dr. Dave,

I have stumbled across your page about anger overload, whilst looking for answers about my daughter.  My daughter is a beautiful, intelligent 10 yr. old (almost 11) who is very loving and sensitive to others feelings. She has a sister, aged 7, who doesn't have any behavior issues

She grew up with myself (mother) and her father, until we separated 18 months ago (I moved out, my ex-husband remains in the family home). My ex-husband and I have shared care (i.e. girls are with me from Wed afternoon to Sunday morning each week, and him the remainder of the week).

My daughter has had angry outbursts for as long as I can remember. I have taken her to see a number of professionals, including 2 child psychologists, (for extended periods of time, and not all at the same time!!). She is currently seeing a consultant psychologist, but I am having trouble getting her to understand or realize how severe this problem is, and this has always been the case. I feel so frustrated, that these professionals give me literature on parenting skills etc. which never really seem to make any difference. I am almost at breaking point, and need help so badly.

She has always performed very well academically, and there have never been any behavior issues at school (teachers look at me strangely when I try to explain the behaviors that occur at home).

Triggers are usually minor, and reactions seem way over-the-top e.g. her homework sheet gets scrunched up in her bag, and she screams and yells that it is completely ruined, and will continue to rant for up to an hour. Or I tell her I am going to wash her hair (as it's Wed night, we always wash hair on Wed night) and she yells and starts kicking the door and slamming doors  etc.

She has started to physically attack me, and she will kick me, punch me, scratch and slap me.  She has displayed this behavior with her father, and with my mother (who has been a significant person in her life), however, I seem to bear the brunt of the behavior, when she is with me.

I have a long history of depression and anxiety, and my daughter is well aware of this (probably too aware for someone aged 10) and I really struggle at times to manage and cope with her behavior (I have been very well supported by my mom, thankfully, and hence her being a significant person in my daughter's life).  My daughter has indicated that she believes that I left the family home because I had depression, and feels that it was her responsibility to make me happy, and that she failed in doing so. I have explained that people don't get their happiness from other people, but from inside themselves, but she can't seem to get past this point.

A strong trigger for my daughter, seems to be around my new partner, who doesn't live with us, but does spend quite a bit of time with us. My daughter has openly said that she hates him, because he makes me happy, and she couldn't.  I have tried to stress to her that she, nor anyone else, is responsible for other people's happiness. I also wonder if she is somewhat anxious, because the mom she has always known (i.e. depressed, sick, lying on the lounge - which was always reinforced by her father i.e. "mom is sick, leave mom alone") is now healthy, happy and vibrant (something very new and strange, maybe threatening? to her). I have reassured her time and time again, that I am always going to be her mom, I am not going anywhere.

As advised by my psychiatrist, and my daughter's child psychologist, we have a "girls' night" and "girls day" each week (which is time without my partner being there). And my daughter frequently has one-on-one time with myself.

I feel like I have read a gazillion self-help and parenting books, (maybe that's my problem??!!) and have spent a fortune on therapists (I wouldn't mind if it helped), but I don't ever seem to get anywhere. Do you think my daughter may have "Anger Overload?" I would be so grateful for any advice you may offer.

Hi, It sounds like you have tried really hard to help your daughter.  In the long run it is going to be good for your daughter as well as you that you are happier.  It sounds like your daughter's anger issues began a number of years ago, and thus it is unlikely that your new relationship is the cause.  She may be jealous of him in part, but she may also be relieved that you are feeling better (though she does not say this and may not be aware yet of all her feelings about this).  Deep down children want their parents to be happy and feel relieved generally when that is the case.  It is great how you are able to spend some time alone with her, and despite her protestations, I would also recommend doing some fun activity with her when your partner is around, if you do not already do so, so that she sees she can have fun then too.  It sounds like you have tried verbally to reassure her that you love her, and I would talk less about this now, because she may try to make you feel guilty at times to get all that verbal reassurance. 

It is a good sign that she has self control in school.  When she explodes at home, you want to say as little as possible until she is calmer (unless she is hurting someone or breaking something of value).  In my parents' manual I outline a number of strategies parents can use at different stages of anger overload.  What I just said about ignoring her is usually effective when a child is in the extreme overload phase.  If you can catch the anger in an earlier stage, you would use a different strategy, for example what I call "emotional distraction."  You try to come up with something engrossing, silly, or funny, that distracts your child.  For regular events, like washing hair (which you describe is one trigger) you would want to have a significant fun activity follow this on an every week basis.  If she refuses or tantrums when it is time to wash hair, she would not earn the fun activity.  Or if hair washing is still upsetting to her, try to think about how you could make it fun.  Would different color shampoos help (she could squirt or mix the colors), and what about letting her hold a mirror so that she can see what is happening?  Is she upset about getting soap in her eyes?  Is there a way, in other words, to ease her anxiety? 

You want to try to set a rule about physical violence when everyone is calm, and you may need to bear hug her (restrain her) if she is hurting someone or move away from her (if this is possible).  You would not say a lot at that point, but later in the day, you might review what happened and explain what alternatives (verbal) would be acceptable when she gets angry in the future.  Some children respond over time when a privilege is taken away for 24 hours (after physical violence) and some children's behavior is unaffected.

The key is really to use the strategies I outline at earlier stages of anger overload whenever possible.  Your daughter is at the age where she might be able be able to learn some self control skills.  The second half of my manual is about how to teach your child these important skills.  If you think she is ready to understand the seriousness of her behavior and wants to control it, you would start with some of the strategies that have to do with developing self-observation skills.  If you do not think she is ready yet for this, then stick with the first half of the manual, which explains what parents can do (without requiring a child's direct participation).

One last thought:  It would be important for all the adults to work together to give her the message about physical violence.  You want to be a united front if at all possible.  

All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb 

Finding therapists for 4 yr olds

Here are a couple of e-mails I received recently asking about finding a therapist to help with their four year olds:

Hello Dr. Gottlieb, I recently found your article and book and it's like a light shining through the clouds. My 4.5 year old son has struggled with explosive anger since infancy/toddlerhood and continues to suffer as he gets older and stronger. We have explored several treatment avenues via evaluations-- sensory processing, psychiatric, parenting, but have not yet found a plan that addresses his unique situation (which I'm guessing is something you hear often, which is why you wrote your book, which I've just purchased on Amazon...)

Can you recommend a colleague in our area that could meet with us and our son to help implement some sort of plan/support through this hard time? 

Hi Dr. Gottlieb,
    I am reaching out to you because I believe that my 4 year old son might be struggling with anger overload. in general, he is a very intelligent, energetic, sweet but strong willed/ dominant child. He does do the "Hulk" thing up to a couple of times a day, but not every day. When he feels that he is being treated unfairly, especially when it is time to leave a situation where he is having fun, or if something is taken away from him that he wants he gets very angry. His face turns red. He will shout, say very unkind things, throw things, break things and if it he thinks he can get away with it, he will physically hit or grab people. Both his teacher's and I have noticed that there is a different look in his eyes when his anger overtakes him, and it's like he's not even there, only anger. When is anger is not stoked, he is thoughtful, caring, well mannered, and full of joyful exuberance.  Since a Christmas visit with his father's family, his angry behavior has escalated at his pre-school and has become a serious problem. As he is set to start kindergarten in the fall, I would very much like to address this issue now. I believe that a therapist, specifically a behavioral therapist that specializes in pediatrics and understands this diagnosis. Any suggestions on where I should begin and which doctor or local hospital I might be able to reach out to?
Thank you for you time.

Hi, With four year olds, a lot hinges on parents' strategies, such as a) early recognition of anger arousing situations (when possible), b) changing the sequence such that something fun comes after something the child does not want to do, c) changing your child's expectations, d) "emotional" distraction, e) calming strategies, f) not attending to outbursts (when no one is in danger).  I discuss these strategies on the blog and go into more detail in my book.  The first half of my book discusses what parents can do (This section is entitled "Parents as the agent for change").  This part of the book is critical for helping young children.  

If you want a professional to help, it is critical in my view that the professional be someone who works with the parents as well as the child.  In my experience, it is more useful to see the parents with their child, or to strategize with the parents alone, rather than to spend a lot of time with the child alone.  It is helpful to see the child in one of the initial sessions in order to rule out possible diagnoses that can affect anger control, but then the focus in therapy should be on how to implement strategies in your household.  Children cannot implement anger control strategies on their own. They usually do not become aware that they are getting angry until they have already reached the overload phase. There is a  better chance that the parent will recognize a possible frustrating situation and will be able to implement one of the strategies.  Thus, you want to pick a professional who will work with you, and not a therapist who focuses on meeting with your child alone.

Furthermore, it would be best if the therapist has experience in working on anger issues and who has some experience in cognitive behavioral approaches.  You want someone who helps you with a concrete plan, and will adjust the plan as needed, not someone who just reassures you that things will be all right in time.  While brain maturation may help, many children benefit from targeted strategies that promote self control.   Teaching your child these strategies can change his behavior and his brain.

I would recommend asking at your school or asking your child's doctor for therapists in your area who work with families of young children.  You can ask over the phone if the therapist meets regularly with the parents and not primarily with the child alone.  In one of the initial sessions you will get an idea of the therapist's approach to anger issues.   If the therapist does not outline a plan early on, ask him/her what his plan will be.  You could also show the therapist this blog or my book on anger overload, and ask whether it is consistent with their thinking about how to help children with anger issues.   

If you do not feel it is the right therapist for you, check with another therapist.  Mental health professionals have different backgrounds and different experience, so it is perfectly okay to get a second opinion.  But if you find a therapist who is a good fit, stick with the person.  Remember there may not be improvement in just weeks; it can take several months or more to see significant changes in self control.  Once your child is better able to deal with anger, it will help him not only in the family, but also as he begins elementary school in the coming year.

All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

  

 

Angry 4 yr old lives part-time with Mom

Hello Dr. Dave,
I am a single mother of a 4 year old boy, who I believe has anger overload. I am going through the process of getting him evaluated through the school district to see what my next step should be. As of right now his dad and I were never together and we share our time with him. However its a weird schedule and it's not a set schedule.  I believe he needs to spend time with his father but when he is over there for 4 or 5 days and comes back it seems his anger is heightened. I'm not saying anything bad is going on but I do see a difference when he returns. So I guess my question to you would be: should I have a set schedule like every other weekend and maybe one night a week? Right now it's all over the place (ex:  I will have him for 5 days, then he will have him for 2, then I will have him for 4 days and he will have him for 4...and so on..) I worked in a school district with kids with behavioral issues, and structure and schedules helps. I'm just confused on how I should be going about this and what's best for my son and where to start.

Hi, Generally, it is helpful for children if the parents have a good parenting relationship with each other, so that they can talk over things, like how to handle a child's anger.  Ideally, you could talk with each other about what is going on when your son gets angry and then discuss how you each handle it. You do not have to have the exact same strategy in each household, but you would not want to have contradictory approaches.  

First, you would want to try to identify what some of the triggers might be.  If one trigger is switching between households, then you would want to think about why.  Is there a big rules change from one household to the other?  Is your child feeling sad or torn between you and his Dad?  Do either of you say negative things about the other parent in front of the child that may make your child anxious or angry?  If your answer to any of these questions is in the affirmative, then you would want to work on that issue.  Often it can be hard to talk about these issues without a neutral third party, such as a mental health professional who can look at the situation and give guidance.  You sound like you are trying not to assign blame and you are trying to find the best solution for your son.  Is your child's father also open to looking at situations when your son gets angry?

Having a predictable schedule may be helpful for all of you, and might reduce whatever tension your son might be feeling, but it may not be the underlying problem. Transitions may continue to be hard for your son, even if the number of days in each household is altered.  That is why it is so important for you to all work together, if possible, to identify the stressors for your son and to work together on strategies.  Try to involve your son's father in the evaluation process; if he has input from the beginning he is more likely to cooperate with whatever plan emerges.  See what the school evaluation shows.  I would recommend you both try to go the the meeting at the school when the results are discussed.  Maybe reading my parent's manual will give you each a starting point for working on strategies together.  If you both can agree on the issues and how to deal with them, your son will likely benefit.  

All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb