The overload phase and what to do about it

All the descriptions of anger overload fit our son perfectly! I understand the long term approach to identifying the triggers and working over time to develop alternative strategies.  Can you please give some suggestions about what to do when he is in a rage? Regardless of where we are he will scream incredibly loudly and be very defiant.  We are very strict at following through on consequences, and once he has come out of his rage, he will accept them and get on with it. The problem is dealing with the rage in the most appropriate way while it is happening so to shorten it and limit the extremity of it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, You bring up an important issue.  The strategies, especially the cognitive approaches in the second half of volume one (as well as the suggestions in part two of volume two), can take weeks or months for children to learn to use at times of anger.  On the other hand, the strategies that parents can use without a child's direct participation (part one of the first manual) can be implemented more quickly but hinge on catching the anger quickly (when possible).  That is why identifying triggers is important:  then you can anticipate difficult situations for your child and try to head off anger before it reaches the overload phase.  

The first step is prevention.  If you see some patterns, you can change your child's expectations ahead of time, or change the sequence to avoid an upset.  In volume one, I explain how to do this.  In volume two, I explain how to do this for sensitive children by using cues and mantras with your child.  

The second step is the early anger phase when you can implement relaxation and distraction strategies (see volume one).  When a child moves right to the overload phase, as your question suggests, it is usually not possible to distract a child.  Then the best approach is to say as little as possible, not even talk yet about consequences.  In other words, try your best to ignore your child, unless he is hurting himself or someone else, and then you need to physically restrain him.  A child in the overload phase is not acting rationally and will usually escalate if you try to talk him through it.  As painful as it is, try to wait it out, giving as little attention to your child as possible.  Save any talk about alternative coping techniques, or consequences, until your child has calmed down and is thinking more rationally.  

Anger overload has a physiological basis in most cases, and therefore it takes time for children to calm down after they reach the overload phase.  But you can lessen the frequency of these events by using the strategies that prevent overload.  Once a child is in the overload phase, your options are limited.  That is why early intervention and planning how to deal with triggers is so important.

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

4 year old with anger overload and sensory sensitivity

Hello,

Thank you very much for reading my email and for any advice you have for me. I just bought your 2 books today about anger overload, but they will not be here until next week.

My son is almost 4 and a half and about 6 months ago seemed to change into a person that is very angry at times and can also be very negative too. His feelings can be very easily hurt, even if no one meant it that way. If my son felt hurt by what you said, then he will burst out crying and run to the next room. He just finished his second year of preschool and has done very well there. His issues are almost always at home with me or his dad. 

We have tried to keep track of his outbursts, and they mostly seem to happen around changing activities (especially if it is an activity that he does not want to stop, like playing baseball) or if it is an activity that he does not want to do such as a bath or go to bed. Most of the time the outburst starts with excessive crying and him running away to the next room. If I go after him and try to reason with him (which I am learning I should not be doing), that is when the violence starts with things like him trying to hit or kick me and call me names. He will also say things like "you don't want me to do anything" or "you don't love me". Then he will say outlandish things like " go ahead, put me in jail" or "just throw me out in the garbage". I have no idea why he would say something like that because I have never said anything like that to him. The outburst can last anywhere from 1 to 15 minutes. When the outburst is over he is remorseful, saying he is sorry and is asking for hugs and kisses. 

He seems to have these outbursts at least once a day up to 3 times a day. My husband and I have been trying different techniques, but if my husband does not see improvement in a few days, he wants to move on to something else. I think we need to be patient. I know this will take time to get better. We need to be consistent. 

My husband and I have differing views on how to discipline our child. He does time outs where I take things away from our son. I realize that both of us need to be on the same page so we do not send mixed signals to our son. The only thing we agree on is that we will never hit our son. 

The other thing that has happened is our son started to be an extremely picky eater at about 2 years old. He is now doing much better with his eating and is willing to try new things to eat. We call it the " no thank you bite". If he does not want to eat something, he has to at least have the no thank you bite to try it. 

He has never liked loud noises and still doesn't. He also has an extremely sensitive sense of smell. That started when he was 3. I have taken self-tests for him being highly sensitive, which it seems he is, but a lot of the books I have read do not go into the anger and/or negativity issues that our son has.

He does not seem to fit ADHD or ODD or even pediatric bipolar disorder. Do you think that this can be anger overload? And/or high sensitivity as well?

Thank you very much for your time and with helping us. This is causing a lot of problems in our family and in our marriage. 


Yes, I think it could be anger overload and sensory sensitivity.  It is not unusual for these two issues to occur together in young children.  Being sensitive to intense sounds, smells, or other extreme sensory input can be irritating for some young children and there is some overlap between the area of the brain that processes sensory input and the area of the brain that deals with emotional stimulation.  For example, the temporal lobes are involved in processing sound and smell as well as emotion.  And the frontal lobes help people organize and control their responses to all different kinds of stimuli, sensory and emotional.  For children with anger overload, there is probably either a lag in the development of part of the prefrontal cortex (that processes and controls emotions like anger) or a lag in communication between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala (an inner brain area that sends emotional signals to the prefrontal cortex).  With time and practice, children's brains develop, and children learn to better control their anger, but it does not happen over night. 

You are right not to follow your son into the other room and try to reason with him when he has outbursts.  Give him time to settle down.  Also try to arrange troublesome situations, like bath time, so that something fun comes afterward.  For bedtime, it is tough to arrange for a subsequent fun activity but try to sit near him in bed and spend five to ten minutes with a favorite story or quiet activity before you turn the lights out.  You want your son to look forward to this bedtime activity so that he will get ready without a big fuss, and sit in bed with you.

You also mention that he erupts sometimes when his feelings are hurt.  Keep track of those situations and look for a theme.  If for example you think he is feeling criticized sometimes, try to mention something that he handled well that day at the same time that you mention something he might not like to hear.  Keep your comments short.  If there are early signs of displeasure or disappointment, try to re-direct him or distract him before he gets too upset. 

In my manual (part 1), I explain how to use emotional distraction and relaxation strategies. The first half of this manual will be especially relevant for four year olds.  In my second book (Anger Overload Volume Two)  I explain how to help sensitive children keep perspective. This section should be helpful to you as well.  In essence you are helping to head off anger overload before it happens, and also helping your son feel better about himself so that he doesn't get as easily hurt.  

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

8 yr old has outbursts when he fails at something

Thank you in advance for taking time to read this email. My 8 year old son has not been diagnosed with any emotional issues. He has always been doing well in school and has extra curricular martial arts and swim classes weekly.

Ever since his toddler stage he had night terrors, he still has the rare occasional night terrors (we still deploy a pacifier to settle him, that lasts about 15-30 minutes) At around 5 he started to sleep walk; his night terror episodes decreased. He has in the past 2 years, developed angry outburst when he fails at tasks. He does not get physical or verbal but will burst into grunts, tears and shakes. Talking to him or reasoning seems to not work, nor do distractions. We've tried to use his martial arts to let him learn control but he seems not to be getting better at it. We have used the time out to think method, it resulted in him sitting in his room crying and grunting for 20-30 mins. These outbursts will always trigger sleep walking and at times night terrors on the night following the anger. He and his younger brother both attend a school for advanced academics. He has not experienced these outbursts during school hours despite the work load.

Are there other ways we can help him to gain better anger control? He is a very smart young boy who is very socially accepted in school, but he seems not to control his anger at home.

Family back ground: we are an active duty military family and lived in many large military towns. I have two sons, both were born into military life, most of their classmates are the same. I am a stay at home mom and my husband does not spend much time away from home.

Thank you for any advice you can give me. Having to move around a lot makes getting professional advice difficult.

Hi, 

One thought I have is to help your son anticipate that he will sometimes fail at tasks, and that this is to be expected because he is learning new things.  If he doesn't sometimes fail, you would be concerned that he wasn't learning anything new.  In other words you want to normalize failing, since you said this is a situation that leads to his angry outbursts.  You would need to do this before he gets upset, not during an upset.  During an outburst he is not thinking rationally, and the more you try to talk to him, it is possible that he will continue to escalate. 

In  the second volume of my parents' manual, I write about developing a mantra that you repeat daily to your child in order to help him change whatever perception is precipitating an outburst--in this case it is failing at a task.  The mantra is a short saying with a new message for him to consider.  You could discuss with him when he is calm some alternatives and pick one together.  Examples for failing:  a) everyone fails sometimes, b) it's good to fail sometimes because it means you are learning something new, c)  I hope you will fail sometimes, or d) even (famous person like Einstein) failed a lot.  

If you discuss what led to an outburst (after he calms down), you could be understanding about his disappointment in himself, but also help him to look at things a little differently. You could even suggest that you will get him an ice cream (reward) the next time he fails (whether he gets mad or not)!  Then after a few weeks, you could say that the ice cream will be earned if he changes one thing about his upsets, and you would pick one thing he says that you would like him to eliminate or change.  You would be very specific and still allow him to get upset and earn the ice cream.  This of course assumes he like ice cream and also assumes that he does not have access to ice cream otherwise.  You could pick something different for the reward based on the interests of your son.

In the first volume of my manual, I explain other strategies:  how to teach children to recognize different levels of anger and how to look at things from different perspectives. There is also a section about developing relaxation strategies.  

Remember to be patient and understanding as you "seed" a new way of looking at failure. You don't want to rush things because then your son might feel like a failure for not being able to accept failure right away!   

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

4 yr old explosive only with family

In advance, thanks for any thoughts or insight you can provide.  We appreciate your time and expertise on this matter.  My wife and I have been having issues with our 3 (will turn 4 next week) year old daughter and to us, it sounds like the personification of Anger Overload. 

Our daughter is usually sweet and lovable with a really good vocabulary for most of the time.  She has a really good imagination and often plays by herself with her dolls or colors for long stretches by herself.  She also behaves herself perfectly fine at school (really no complaints and no violence or acting out) and with almost everyone else- other than us (my wife and I).  With us, her fuse is often incredibly short and can be lit by even the most minor (as perceived by us) slight or use of the word no.  She has a big brother (he’s almost 7) and he sets her off rather frequently as well.  

Once the tantrum or behavior has started, usually with hardly any advanced warning, she calls us every bad name she can find, often says we’re ‘meanies’ or she hates us or she doesn’t love us, and tries to throw anything she can find on the ground.  Sometimes she rips things in half or will just throw things across the room.  It’s like she’s possessed and focused on violence and destruction for as long as it lasts.  There are also frequent episodes of violence (hitting, kicking, scratching) against us or her brother mixed into these fits of anger.  The duration is anywhere from 1 minute to 20 minutes but they usually end as she explodes with emotion and regret- crying, hugging, telling us she loves us, and she’s sorry.  It has forced us to walk on eggshells for risk of setting her off and has certainly adversely affected life in our home- both for our daughter and for our entire family.

Do you have any thoughts on this?  We recently bought your book through Amazon and are just getting to read it.

Hi, 

First, keep track over the next few weeks of some of the "minor slights" or times you say "no" that lead to her outbursts.   Do you see any themes, or issues, that come up repeatedly?  If you can find find some patterns, it allows you to anticipate and try to head off a tantrum.  Admittedly there will be unexpected outbursts, but you want to try to anticipate some of them so you have a chance of preventing them.  Once a child is in anger overload, it is best to say or do as little as possible, but if someone is being hurt or something of value is being destroyed, you may have to restrain her.  

There are a number of strategies I discuss in my two volumes on anger overload in children that you can employ if you find patterns and can catch your daughter's frustration early, before she erupts.  For example, you can alter a routine so that what she wants to do comes after what you want her to do (if some task is contributing to some of the outbursts).  Another option is to use language that is balanced with "carrots" when you say no to her.  For example, when she cannot play a game, at the same time that you say no, mention when she will be able to play it.  Or use emotional distraction:  come up with a pithy saying or a visual distraction that will get her to laugh or be amused.   It is unlikely that she will rage if she is feeling amused.  The two emotions are contradictory.  I explain more about this strategy in volume one of my manual.

Often children are more explosive at home.  In your case, your daughter has no outbursts except with you and her brother.  The question is why?  Is she real sensitive because she counts so much on your approval?  Is she jealous of things her brother can do but she can't yet?  Is she strong willed and self-centered, as most three and four year olds are?  If you can figure out any underlying emotional sensitivity at home, you can try to help her out by using empathy, and by using mantras that speak to a different way for her to look at things.  I explain about mantras in my second volume.  Essentially it is a way of seeding a new idea, by repeating a catchy phrase daily before any emotional situation arises.  Over time, a child will internalize the phrase (if she pays attention when you say it--that's why it has to be "catchy").  This is one way to help your daughter begin to look at things from another perspective.  Looking at things from another perspective is difficult for young children, so expect that this strategy will not yield immediate results.

There are likely biological aspects to her rapid and intense emotional arousal, and the basic goal is to use cognitive and behavioral approaches that help her forestall the emotional outbursts.  It takes time, but it is well worth the effort.  Also remember that the part of her brain (prefrontal cortex) that helps her with self-control will develop further over the years, so that in this way, time is on your side!

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

When 9 yr old makes mistakes, watch out

  I have a 9 soon to be 10 yr old boy that has extreme anger outbursts.  I tried saying it was terrible 2's followed by treacherous 3's. Now it is physical and verbal at 9 years old, and I cannot handle it any longer. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells because I don't know when he is going to get angry.  He can be a very sweet and sensitive boy.  He is a good athlete and seems to be better when he gets more physical activities.  When he makes mistakes or gets frustrated over something he becomes both physically and verbally abusive.  He cannot handle it if his perceives someone has cheated or not played by his rules at a game.  He is often afraid of anything new.  It makes going anywhere a challenge.  He constantly needs to be entertained:  either talking to him, computer games, television, or some stimulus.  He does not play quietly by himself anymore.  It is exhausting. I have tried taking computer away, time outs, helping him when I see he is getting upset ( that usually makes thing much worse). When he gets into a rage anything you say to him just escalates the thing.  Afterwards, he feels bad and gets upset again because he can't control himself.  He is smart but does not try at school.  He does not want to stand out.  His reading is below grade level this year and is becoming an issue.  He refuses to read and makes it so hard I finally cave in.  I can't argue anymore.  It is so hard on his older brother and me.  I am at a total loss.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much.


Hi,

What you describe I see in a number of children with anger overload.  These children can be sweet and agreeable until they get frustrated by a mistake they make, or by someone else doing something that violates their sense of fair play.  Yes, talking when your child gets upset will generally not help reduce the outburst.  The key is really early intervention before the child's frustration begins.  In my second volume on anger overload in children that was published last month, I devote a section to sensitive children.  One idea is to develop a mantra that you will use daily with your son before an activity that might lead to "mistakes."  A mantra is a short saying that gets your son to look at himself in a different way.  Sensitive children tend to have high expectations of themselves, and it is impossible to always live up to such high expectations.  So it is important to have your son moderate his expectations somewhat, and that is what the mantra is designed to do.  Now it will not lead to immediate change, but over a period of several months, it is one tool that will help your child learn that "we all make mistakes" or that "mistakes are good, that means you are trying something new."  For one child, I suggested to him and his parents that he receive a hug or a reward when he made a mistake.   I explained that mistakes happen to everyone and if he can make a mistake and smile, he deserved a bonus!  For another child, we made the mantra into a funny song that helped the child remember to take a deep breath.

There are other ways to help a child change his expectations.  One is to use yourself as a role model, and every time you make a mistake, you would say out loud, "Oops, oh well, everyone makes mistakes."  Since your child looks up to you, you want to give voice to a more accepting view of mistakes.  If you talk with him about his anger, wait until he is calm later in the day, and in a non-critical way explain that everyone makes mistakes and suggest ways he could try to relax or distract himself in the future.  Do not punish him if he forgets.  It takes time to change old habits and to learn a new way to deal with frustration.  Negative consequences are often not helpful. Remember that a child is not thinking rationally during explosions, so imposing a consequence then will have no real significance to your child.

You mention your child is getting behind in his reading.  Ask his teacher if she sees any reasons why.  You mention he does not want to stand out.  Is he afraid of making a mistake in front of his classmates?  If so, you might ask the teacher to help him accept mistakes in a similar way that you would at home.  In my second volume on anger overload in children, I explain ways teachers can adapt the strategies for school time.

Take care, Dave Gottlieb, Ph.D.

3 yr old kicks and scratches at preschool

Our three year old son is very sweet and calm most of the time but he has a hard time coping when he feels left out, or is told no and doesn't get his way. He was just recently kicked out of his 3rd preschool for his behavioral issues. He only made about 2 days at this last place. Day 1 he hit 2 kids, said No to a teacher and scratched the teacher. Day 2 he kicked a teacher and his last day he was climbing up the slide and was told not to climb up the slide; this made him mad and he started throwing wood bark at the other kids and screaming. His fit was so bad that he had to be put in a separate room where he proceeded to destroy art work, and throw stuff, just very destructive. It was so bad that security had to escort my son and husband out of the facility. 

We have good routines at home:  we do time outs and we have worked with a therapy program to help our son. They introduced some relaxation techniques and games to help our son with self regulation.  He seemed to like the breathing exercises but they only work some of the time.  Our son was in a smaller in-home daycare with a small ratio only 4 children to a teacher and this helped. He had far less episodes and in the 9 months that he was there he only experienced 3 incidents of hitting and/or screaming where we were called to pick him up early. 

When we give our son 3 minute time outs he destroys his room and/or bangs on his door the whole time.  He has stopped throwing his stuff around after I brought a trash bag into his room and said I would throw his stuff away. He has an older sister who is 5 and they fight but they also play well together.  When they do fight it is normal sibling stuff, nothing out of the ordinary. We go on family outings and I take my son with me on errands and to work etc. He has always done fine 1:1. He is articulate, loving, kind and affectionate most of the time. He recognizes when he has done something wrong and he says sorry but he has zero coping when he feels hurt, ignored or left out.  

Last summer, we went to fireworks and it was scary for our son.  We were fairly close to where they were going off and the sound was scary for him.  When we left he started screaming and didn't want to get on the shuttle back to our car.  I held him tightly and we sat in the very back.  It was packed full of people and my son proceeded to scream let me go.  He was scratching me and kicking and screaming and his fit was so severe that other kids on the shuttle started to cry and everyone was staring at us. This went on for the entire shuttle ride 15 minutes.  Once we got to the car we could not buckle his seat belt and his fit continued for another 10 minutes at least. Now on that particular day we had been up early for an annual Fun Run and we had been on the go all day and he had not had a nap but he had been fine. Until the fireworks started he had been playing with the kids sitting next to us. The fireworks were what set him off. He hasn't had an episode like that since but it was very scary for my husband and I, and traumatic for all of us. Our son will be 4 in June and we are concerned that he will not be ready for public school when the time comes. Any suggestions you might have for helping him with his aggression would be greatly appreciated.


Hi, your email points to several precipitants that I often find with young children:  tiredness, loud noises, and not getting to do what they want to do.  Children's reserves get depleted if they are tired or frightened.  You learn what a child's limits are, and then you would try to avoid those triggers in the future, when possible.  

For the times he explodes when he does not get his way, like at preschool, it will be important to have a very predictable routine especially with a larger group of children.  With smaller in home daycare, there is more flexibility, and your child probably does not have to stop what he is doing so frequently.  I would recommend keeping him in daycare for another year.  During that time his brain will develop, and you can practice keeping to a schedule at home part of the day in order to prepare him for kindergarten.   When you are ready to practice for part of a day, explain ahead of time what the schedule will be.  Come up with cue words (and have him draw a picture with you of switching activities) that will remind him that it is important to go with the flow.  And have a fairly immediate reward ready for him when he is flexible and stops what he is doing and gets ready for the next activity.  For example, you could have play time and then lunch time.  If he stops playing when asked, he gets a special treat after lunch.  Be sure to remind him of the cue words before the first activity starts, and then repeat the cue words when it is almost time to switch. I explain more about this in volume two of my parenting books on anger overload in children.  

For other triggers, you would try to anticipate and use one of the strategies I outline in my first parent's manual or in my second volume of strategies for home and school.  Your use of relaxation is a good idea.  You will want to try to catch his frustration at an early stage when you can, and re-direct him to a relaxation station in your house that is fun and relaxing.  I write about this and other techniques such as emotional distraction, re-arranging the sequence, and changing a child's expectations.

Once a child loses it, there is not much you can do but hold him if he is being physically destructive.  What you did on the shuttle bus sounds right on, even though it is hard on everyone.  You have little choice at that point but to restrain him.  Children in the overload phase are not rational, and talking to them usually does not work.  I would explain to him later on when he is calm that it is important not to hurt people when he is angry.  You might say it is okay to scream for now, but if you hit, kick, scratch, or throw things, he would lose some of his toys for a few days (however long a period of time would motivate him in the future, and you don't know this until you try a certain amount of time, and see if the frequency of physical acting out diminishes over the next few weeks).  The fact that he stopped destroying his room when you took out the trash bag is a sign that he will try not to destroy things if he might lose them.

When he does return to school, it will be important to coordinate with the teacher:  introduce him to the routine ahead of time, and have a behavioral plan in place that includes cuing him, emotional distraction, relaxation stations, and potential rewards.  Depending on how much he grows emotionally in the next year, you would target specific behaviors that are disruptive or hurtful, such as throwing and kicking (if that is still going on in a year).  You could adjust the behavioral expectations depending on his progress, but be very specific about what you expect, and do it one step at a time.  In other words don't expect he will use exactly the right words to express his frustration from the get go.  As you probably recognize, change is gradual, and you want to set mini-goals for your son, and then you can change your expectations over time.

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb  

14 yr old with ADHD and anger

I have a 14 year old grandson who was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger (5 or 6). His doctor has been treating it with medication.

In the last few months he has had several outbursts of intense anger. He is all but uncontrollable when this occurs. So far we have been able to calm him down to where we can have a reasonable conversation with him.

They seem to occur when he is asked to do something he does not want to do. For example, he was asked to stop playing his video games and to pick up his sport equipment in the backyard. He did it begrudgingly and had to be asked to do it again because he only picked up that he felt needed picking up. When confronted he became sassy, disrespectful, and continued to make "the last comment."  It escalated to a point where he was told to shut down the video games and take his shower. He argued the shower over and over because in his mind he had already taken one earlier in the day before going to a birthday party. Since he played at the party and in the back yard after he got home he was asked to take another shower.  It escalated very quickly from there to another outburst.
 

What started out as what seemed to be an "isolated" incident has all but become a weekly event.  My question to you is it possible that the medication he is on for ADHD is contributing to these outbursts?

 

 

Hi, If the outbursts have increased in the last few months, think back about what might have changed in your grandson's life.  If the medication changed right before the outbursts started, then I would recommend you ask the doctor if he/she thinks there could possibly be a medication effect.  In my experience, ADHD medications do not generally lead to an increase in children's anger.  Actually if a child has ADHD, medication helps with distractability and impulsivity, and thereby make it easier for a child to learn strategies to cope with anger.

 

I wonder if your grandson has started puberty and is dealing with hormonal changes and new emotions.  Some children when they hit adolescence become more argumentative when adults ask them to do things.  You mentioned for example that he got irate when you asked him to take another shower after playing outside.  You explained that he had not expected to have to take another shower.  What I would recommend is to sit down with him when everyone is calm and explain your rules about showers.  The idea is to change your grandson's expectations ahead of time.  Another way you could do that is to remind him before he goes out to play that he will need to take a shower when he comes in. 

 

Some adults also limit game or television time in the evening until a child showers.  Then your grandson will have an incentive to shower.  If you can enforce that the television does not get turned on, then you do not have to argue with him, but let the potential consequence do the "speaking" for you.

 

If picking up things outside is another frequent issue, try to apply the same principles:  talk when everyone is calm, remind him before he goes out to play what you expect, and have something he wants to do later depend on his picking up outside.   I explain other strategies in my books on anger overload: such as a) emotional distraction, b) labelling levels of anger to develop self-awareness, and c) teaching him about other points of view. 

 

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb