Thursday, August 25, 2016

3 year old's outbursts at aftercare

Good Morning Dr. Gottieb, I have a 3 yr old son who is showing signs of "Anger Overload". He has been going to a before/aftercare facility for two semesters and recently has been having anger outbursts. Throwing his shoes, continuous crying, shouting, kicking/hitting, and shouting "No". My wife & I also witnessed the behavior recently, while we were out shopping in a Shopping Mall. I've tried the Negative Consequence approach but he seems to not respond to it lately depending on his environment. I must say when he's home with me, I don't receive nearly as much defiant behavior. I've used standing in a corner and/or sitting on the steps as a consequence for the anger behavior/outburst. I just brought your book "Your Child is Defiant:Why is Nothing Working?". I just am willing to do whatever it takes to help my son. Any assistance you can provide, I'd greatly appreciate. I look forward to your reply and have a good day.

Hi, in my book "Your Child is Defiant" I first ask parents to keep a record of what is happening before their child explodes.  After you make notes about several incidents, look for themes.  Not all situations will fit one theme, but you might find some overlap. In my defiance book, I write about loss of time with an adult as one possible trigger. Others could be: when the child is not getting to do what he wants, or when he has to switch activities, or when he expects something else to happen.  Once you see some patterns, you would try to intervene early in the behavior pattern in the future to try to head off an outburst.  You can use distraction techniques, cues in advance that explain what he can expect that day, or mantras (sayings to remind him how to deal with disappointment). I explain in detail how to use these techniques in my anger overload books, 

For three year olds, one aspect of emotional development at this age has to do with learning how to deal with limits (he can't have everything he wants!).  A three year old is going to experience disappointment as he learns the adult world does not always respond the way he wants.  Helping a child anticipate what to expect on a given day, and helping him move on when disappointed is an important goal.  The strategies I outline in my books are designed to help a child deal with frustrations and disappointment.  

Negative consequences do not often work with anger overload, because the emotions are so strong and quick.  I'd recommend trying distraction, advance cues, or mantras.  If you want to try incentives and consequences, make sure there are fairly immediate incentives for self control. Do not rely only on negative consequences.  The best negative consequence for young children is withdrawing your attention, so having your child stay by the stairs for a few minutes (as you are doing) makes sense.  But use some of the other strategies as well, rather than rely on time outs.

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb