When your child has a tantrum in public

Hi, I have written a brief article for the neighborhood parents network in Chicago.  The article will appear on their website on Tuesday, January 22nd.   The topic is how to handle your child's tantrums in public places.  The website is:   http://www.npnparents.org/posts/515

If you have questions on this topic after you read the article, feel free to send them to my e-mail address:  drdavegot@gmail.com and I will answer your questions on my blog, or you can comment on the neighborhood parents network website.  Take care, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

What to do for 11 year old with 20 minute tantrums

We need help.  We have an 11 year old son that has rage.  Most of the day he is a great kid.  He gets good grades and has nice friends at school.  He is active in sports and school, but there are triggers that will set him off.  When he has an tantrum it usually will last about 15-20 minutes but sometimes longer than an hour.  We try and follow a lot of the things that are discussed, including, let our son calm down, we try not to talk with him while he is upset and do it when he is calm, we give consequences for the behavior that caused it and not the tantrum, but all this doesn't seem to be working.  It is like a switch in his head flips on and no matter what we do or say he doesn't listen while he is upset.  Then the switch will go off and he will listen and we can talk about it.  Whenever we ask him, "what set you off" or "why did you act that way" the answer is "I don't know".  It is like his brain shuts down and and he can't control it and has no idea why.  Any ideas?

Hi, What I would do first is chart what is going on before the tantrums start, so that you develop ideas about what triggers his rage.  Then begin sharing your chart with your son while he is calm.  Show him what you have come up with.  When he tantrums again, wait till he is calmer and then fill out the chart together.  Do this repeatedly after tantrums have ended. I have an example of a chart in my book and I include blank charts for parents to use.  The  purpose is to make your child more aware of his triggers.  

Once he is beginning to see some patterns, then you and your son can develop strategies to catch his frustration in earlier stages before a tantrum is extreme.  In my book, I explain how to use benign (nonjudgmental) labels, like colors, to point out when anger is beginning.  The label is like a signal for your child to think about what is happening while he is still rational, and then to try to use a calming strategy.  If he can't, or won't, use a calming strategy, then you try to distract or re-direct him.  I also explain how to teach your child to look at other people's perspectives.  Often children have misperceptions about other people's intentions, and many children have egocentric perceptions about what people should be doing for them.  For example, one child felt parents didn't care about him if they said no to a sleepover.  Teaching a child to look at other points of view is a key part of developing self-control.

Lastly, I explain in my book how to teach a child to compromise.  Basically, you pose the dilemma to him and ask how he thinks you all should solve it:  "I feel....and you feel..., what are we going to do?"  You have this discussion before a tantrum, or if the tantrum has already occurred, you discuss possible compromises later when he is calmer.  Then in the future you try to problem solve together before he erupts.  This approach works for issues where you are okay with compromise.  Some rules are non-negotiable in families, like he must attend school and he cannot physically hurt other people, so you wouldn't use this strategy then.

All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

6 year old lashes out at school

I am on my last leg with my 6 yr old son. His behavior at school has gotten so out of control that he is on the verge of being kicked out.....permanently. The school has a system where your name either gets written on the white board or a check mark is given by your name. My son lashes out verbally and physically when this occurs. He fully understands why this happens, but still has this behavior. He has changed teachers due partly to his behavior and the teacher's personal issues.
I have tried to sit with him and discuss why he acts this way in school, he always seems to blame other kids as his reason for acting out in school.
Do you feel counseling is an option at his age?

Hi, Yes I think counseling would be appropriate.  You would want a therapist who is also going to communicate with the school staff and with you.  It would be important for everyone working with your son to think about why he is getting so upset when he gets a check mark, and what alternatives there might be.  Sometimes, cuing him when his behavior is starting to be a problem, rather than using a check mark, may work better for your son.  Try also to "normalize" check marks.  Though not ideal, they are not the end of the world.  In the morning before school, predict that he might get one, and tell him you won't be angry.  I would even consider a small reward the next couple of times he gets a check mark and does not blow up about it.  (It could be a pat on the back by the teacher, or a high five when he gets home, or a treat that he does not usually get for dessert.)

Also, ask the teacher to keep track of what your son is doing before he gets these check marks.  Is he interacting with peers, is he angry about something,  is he easily distracted, or is some subject matter in class frustrating for him?  A psychologist could help you figure out if there is anything else going on with your son that is contributing to his reaction to the check marks.

Sometimes, when I meet with a child and the parent, we go through what happened leading up to the blow-up.  I ask what was happening before the child gets angry, what he said or did, and what others said or did.  I say that I am just trying to understand what happened.  (I do not judge or assign blame.)  Once a child is comfortable with this process, I might add:  "what can you do so you won't get in trouble next time?  I see why you are angry, and I want to help figure out a way you can deal with it so you do not get punished."  I try to get the child to see me as an ally, and we work on the issue together.  If the child does not have suggestions, I offer some alternatives and then ask which he would prefer, if any.  The next time the child comes in, we talk about situations that happened that week, what he said, and what other options he would have.  I do not criticize, nor do I expect him to be able to use my suggestions right away.  Also, this process cannot be done in the heat of the moment (while he is still angry) and cannot be done until your son has an alliance with the therapist.  See if there is a therapist in your area who works with children on anger issues.  In my parent's manual, I outline other approaches you can use to help your child deal better with angry feelings.

All the best, Dr. Gottlieb  

What to do when 2 year old hits and yells

Hi, I came across your email address when researching "anger overload" and was wondering if you can help me. I have a 2 year old girl whom I believe has "anger overload". She'll be perfectly fine until I say she can't have something or something doesn't go the way she wants it (toys won't stand up, blocks fall etc.) that's when she becomes so angry she throws things, yells, hits etc. Is there anything I can do to help stop this from happening? Any advice you can offer me will be greatly appreciated!

Hi, First make a list of the situations when your daughter gets extremely angry.  Look for patterns, and think about how you might head off some of the tantrums before the situations get to that point.  For example, you mention she gets angry when the blocks fall.  You could try telling your daughter when she starts playing with the blocks that they will fall soon, because that is what blocks will do.  Tell her "when that happens we will put them back together."  Then when you see the blocks getting closer to the breaking point, remind her they are going to fall soon.  The strategy is to change your child's expectations before she reaches the breaking point.

Often you will not be able to predict an outburst.  If she is getting frustrated but has not exploded yet, you can use "emotional distraction" to try to head off a tantrum.  By "emotional distraction," I mean that you try to do something that will change her emotional state from one of frustration to laughter or curiosity.  For example, you could mention a favorite activity, song, or funny story to try to distract her.  If she likes trains, make the sound of a train and start waving your arms and make funny noises.  Your behavior does not have to make sense to another adult (who might think you are acting silly), it just has to grab your child's attention.  Another option is to start an activity that your child likes in order to distract her.  For example, if she likes blocks, you could say "look at me building these blocks.  I could sure use your help."

Once your daughter reaches the point of anger overload, it is usually best to say and do nothing, unless she is hurting someone or breaking something of value.  If you have to restrain her, you should do so, but if you can wait her out, do that.  Young children will usually tantrum longer if you try reasoning with them while they are in the middle of a tantrum.  Furthermore, you do not want to give them attention for negative behavior.  While it might be hard to listen to her scream, she is more likely to settle down in the future if she has not received any attention from you during previous tantrums.  You will not see change immediately, but over the coming weeks, tantrums will usually get shorter or less intense if she gets no reaction from you during the tantrum.  Once she settles down, then talk with her (about other things) or play with her.

Two year olds do not have the verbal or thinking skills yet to deal well with frustration, so tantrums are more likely at this age, and should wane as she gets older.  In the meantime, try some of these strategies and see if they help.  You can read more about these ideas in my parent's manual about anger overload in children.  All the best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

9 year old won't go to his room to chill

Dr. Gottlieb, We have a 9 year old boy who gets really angry sometimes when his leggos break, sometimes when we send him to his room for fighting with his younger brother, and sometimes when we tell him do do something.  We try to catch his anger at an early stage and ask that he go to his room for a few minutes to calm himself, but he usually refuses.  So we started leaving the room and ignoring him.  He seems to calm down faster then, but we worry that he is getting the message that it is okay to argue with us or fight with his brother.  Any other suggestions?

Hi, When you establish a "go to" place for anger overload, discuss it with your child ahead of time, and do not pick the same place that you use for a time out or a punishment.  Even though you are not punishing your child when you ask him to chill in his room, he may see it as a punishment, especially if his room is also used for time outs.  When your child is beginning to overheat, instead of asking him to leave the room, suggest that he take three slow deep breaths.  The deep breaths may help him to slow down.  Anything he does for a few moments may help him to gain more control of his anger.  Once he is in full overload, though, anything you say will probably lead to his responding with more anger.

Your idea to leave the room is also a good one.  Another option is to stay in the room but stop talking until your child is calmer.  If your child is not receiving any verbal feedback from you while he is getting angry, he is more likely to settle down.  I do not think your child will see your leaving the room as a "victory."   You will still expect him to do what you asked after he calms down.

Another option for the issue of his fighting with his brother would be to have them both cooperate to earn smiley faces each day if they do not fight.  They either both get the smiley face, or neither do.  They can then trade one, two, or three smiley faces for a fun activity, like a card game, with you or your spouse.  (The number of smiley faces needed to earn the game time depends on how immediate you think the reward needs to be for them to be motivated.)   

Finally, do not forget to review with your child the sequence of events after each blow up is over.  Once your child is calm, you want to briefly talk with him about what was the trigger and what else he could do if it happens again.  You do this regularly later in the day when there has been an upset, so that your child begins to recognize what causes his outbursts and so that eventually he may catch the sequence before he explodes.  During anger overload, it is hard for most children (and adults for that matter) to think about alternative behaviors, but the more you go over examples with your child, the sooner he may remember at the crucial moments when he gets angry. 

If the leggos breaking continues to trigger his anger, you might also create a list of sayings that your child could think of when he starts to get mad.  For example, one could be "leggos break eventually" or "we can always fix it."  You write them on a sheet of paper that you can look at with your child after future blow ups.  The purpose is to get your child to expect difficulties, in other words, to help your child develop more realistic expectations.  I explain more about his in my parent's manual.  All the best, Dr. Gottlieb

7 year old who kicks and throws things

We have three children, all of whom were adopted. Our son always sweet as a baby is now our biggest source of stress and heart break. He was somewhat obsessive about skateboarding, even when he was 2 but not more than many boys were with trains. He had a language issue when he was a baby and was very frustrated, and was classified so he could have help negotiating himself in the nursery school classroom. He was always very much a "boy" but all his teachers said it was never a problem. Starting second grade he decided not to go to school . It was too hard, not enough breaks and too long of a day. He has always been insecure about his intelligence. He gets some reading support at school but is not behind the curve and is doing very well now. Over the summer, and spring, he developed a love for video games, especially Mind Craft, which he dreams about but reacts to it like crack. We've tried sticker charts, the explosive child strategies, therapy, punishment of all sorts and every thing  works a little for a little while. He is getting more angry when he doesn't get his way. He kicks doors, chairs, throws things, and is 7. I fear what may happen when he gets a little older. If you can help in anyway it would be greatly appreciated. 

Hi, some children have trouble regulating anger.  Once they get frustrated, their anger quickly escalates into explosive behavior.  The key is to try to intervene early in the sequence when possible.  Rewards don't always work because these children are not thinking ahead at those times, but reacting emotionally.  The first thing to do is to observe carefully what some of your son's triggers are, i.e. what situations lead to his tantrums.  Then think about whether you can re-arrange the situation to avoid the trigger.  Or if you cannot avoid the trigger, can you prepare him in advance to get ready for the situation.  Before he gets aroused, he may listen to suggestions or incentives. 

The other set of strategies is to teach him how to handle his frustrations.  The key here is to get your child to think with you about his explosions each time they happen (later in the day once he is much calmer).  You talk about what happened, what the trigger was, and help him think of alternative ways of thinking and alternative ways of reacting.  I explain the steps in my parent's manual.  If your son does not yet see his tantrums as a problem to work on with you, then you will focus on the strategies in the first half of the manual (strategies you can employ without your son's cooperation).  You would still talk a little after an explosion (but not during) to try to get him to see the costs of his behavior.  Once he recognizes the pain he is causing, he would be ready for teaching him alternative ways of thinking and alternative approaches to regulating anger.

You would also want to deal with any insecurities your son has, especially if they contribute to his anger.  Does his reading problem, though improved,  precede an outburst?  You mentioned mine craft:  does he have trouble getting off that game?  Are other transitions hard for him?  Did his therapist have any thoughts about problems that could be contributing to his explosions?  You would want to help your son deal better with any underlying insecurities.

All the best, Dr. Gottlieb

12 year old with increasing angry outbursts

Dear Dr. Gottlieb:
     I came across your blog and book while searching for ways to help our son.  We quickly ordered your book and your description of children with anger overload really does describe our son perfectly.  He directs his anger only towards me and his 4 year-old sister, whom I tried to shield.  He blames her for everything and thinks it's unfair that he has to do homework, while she has none.  He would literally go into a tirade unless I give her some "homework" to do.  I eventually printed out some letters and shapes for her to trace, which she was very willing to do.  That did not appease my son, and he soon found something else to complain about his sister.  He would push her or slap her every time he passed by her.  We had our daughter when my son turned 8.  At the beginning, he was excited, but soon became increasingly jealous and annoyed of her presence.  Whenever we could, either my husband or myself would take our son out to the movies or to lunch, just to have a one-on-one day.  He really enjoys those.  When he comes home from those trips, he is usually much nicer to his sister, but in a day or so, he will be extremely annoyed with her again. 

     The second trigger is homework, in particular, Math.  Math is his favorite subject, so when he moved up to Advance Math, he was super excited.  However, the bulk of his tantrums are during Adv Math homework time or studying for a Math test.  He would literally open up his text book and throw a fit.   I started keeping a "tantrum" chart to keep a record of his outbursts, and he seriously goes into one of his tirades every other day.  My husband and I have asked my son to step down to regular Math, so that he will be less stressful, but he refused and threw another tantrum.  So I told him that I will help him with his Math (I excelled in Math and used to be a Math tutor) and we will go through the homework together.  But that didn't help, because with or without me, he will do all his other homework first, and would procrastinate until the very last minute before he will tackle his Math homework.  Then he would throw a tantrum because by then, he's stressed AND tired.   So we suggested that we would tackle the Math homework and/or studying first.  That just threw him into another fit because he didn't want to....he wanted to tackle his Math last.  

    He also, a few weeks ago, started to hit me physically, point his finger at me, and curse incessantly at me (with the f-word and all).  He would literally scream at the top of his lungs.  I tried talking him down before a full-blown episode, but it just hastened the onslaught.  But he's only like that at home.  Everyone else thinks the world of him.  He's very respectful, humble, talkative, nice and easy-going at school.  Even his friends' parents like having him around.  The only person he disrespects constantly is me.

     I admit that there had been occasions where I had lost it as well, and there would be really horrible shouting matches.  Mentally I'm so exhausted, but I have to bear the brunt of it because my husband is short-fused.  He grew up with an extremely angry and volatile father.  I truly believe that there is something inherited here...something in the genes so to speak.

     We tried to seek professional help and looked into counseling.  The counselor only wanted to meet with our son.  At first we trusted her and hoped for the best.  But later, as things deteriorated, we inquired about his sessions, and the counselor refused to divulge any information. 

     So, what can we do if the trigger is a part of life?  How do I isolate our daughter from our son?  What can a parent do when homework is the trigger?  Any suggestions or insights would be greatly appreciated.  We have just started the 2-week observation period suggested by your book.  Thank you so much.


Hi,  It sounds like you have tried several things, like doing one-on-one activities with your son, offering to help with his math work, and trying to talk him down.  You identified two triggers: jealousy of your attention to his sister, and frustration with the math homework.  How best to respond to these triggers?

First, I would talk less when he gets angry about math, and I would not offer choices (since he refuses the options and escalates).  Decide if you want to help him with math or let him do whatever he can, and then he could ask the teacher or a tutor for help.  You pointed out he does not get angry outside the family, so he would probably work better with a tutor or the teacher.  If you are going to work with him, let him know when you are available (what time of day, preferably the same time each day) and tell him you will stop for the day if he yells at you or tries to hit you.  Then stick to your guns.  Only help at the time you say and stop if he yells.  Yes, he will likely tantrum worse then at first, but over the course of the next few weeks he will probably realize that you are going to continue to withdraw when he loses his temper.  Remember that talking at these times does not usually work.  Most children will escalate if you try talking with them while they are angry.

Also, I would have a serious consequence for any hitting or physical contact.  Tell him ahead of time what that consequence would be (usually 24-48 hours with no "screens"--television or computer, or something else that he would miss), and then let him know when he is calm (after a hitting episode) that the consequence is now in effect.

I like that you are spending some one on one time with your son, and in addition, I would set up some rewards for cooperative activities with his sister.  Explain that he is the leader, and he can choose the activity, but that any fun activity he does with her, you will then do an activity with him alone later that day or the next day.   Since he has kept her busy, you can say you were able to get your chores done, and in appreciation you will do something with him.

Basically, you are re-arranging the sequence, so that cooperation leads to time with you, and yelling or hitting does not.  You also eliminate the homework issue if you have a neutral party help him with math.  It is hard for some children to have their parents be tutor and parent.  These children have trouble accepting help (do not want to make mistakes) in front of their parents.

In my book, I also explain how to use cues and calming strategies, and how to teach children about other points of view.  I also have a section about how you and your husband can be role models by talking out loud about what you do to handle your anger.  You will get to these chapters after you finish the worksheets in the first half of the manual.   As for therapy, there are different approaches, but you might have a better experience with a psychologist or social worker who talks with the parents as well as the child, and who works with anger regulation issues.

All the best, David Gottlieb, Ph.D.