Gifted 9 yr old wants more freedom

In reading your article on the topic, I understood some of the underlying issues with children can often stem from having learning disabilities. Our 9 year old son presents as a child with anger overload, but actually is very bright, likely gifted- although I am resistant to having him tested. 

Are there examples and guidelines in your manual on how to deal with this type of child? We are challenged by his outbursts that are often triggered by our objecting to him engaging in activity that we feel is way above his age level, not allowing him the types of freedoms that are generally reserved for teens and pre-teens and his vehement protests to treatment toward him he feels is unjust (generally compared to his brother or others in his peer group). He has huge issues with our authority but thankfully it does not permeate into his school surroundings, Rather he has decided school, in general, offers him little and his teachers are, well...'dumb'. We are challenged every day. I'm hoping your book can assist us in putting a realistic approach in place that can help moderate his outbursts and help him cope until he matures to the point where his somewhat advanced mind catches up with his young body.

Hi,  First, what I would recommend is keeping track of what rules he feels are unjust.   What kind of freedoms does he want?  In other words, what are the issues he is getting angry about?

Then you would either try to anticipate these issues, and let him know ahead of time what the plan will be, or use "emotional distraction" (a technique discussed in the first half of my parents' manual and in other posts on this blog) to try to prevent outbursts.  You want to try to avoid a back and forth argument.  

In the second half of my book, I write about teaching your child new skills to cope with anger.  Here you want to teach your child self-observation skills and teach him about other points of view.  In my manual I give examples of how to do this.  One other technique to consider is to teach your child how to compromise.  Is there some part of what he is asking for that you would consider it he would lower his expectations?  This kind of discussion is best when everyone is calm, not in the midst of an argument.

You mention your son is bright, but also you bring up the topic of learning disabilities (LD). Does your son have a learning disability that is contributing to his outbursts?  If so, you would want to work with his school to address the LD issue, as this would likely help him deal with his anger better. 

Take care, David Gottlieb, Ph.D.  

  

3 yr old with high energy and melt downs

Good morning,

I am the grandmother to an adorable three year old girl. I am also a social worker looking for answers. There is a history of mental illness in my maternal family with ADHD, OCD, Bipolar Disorder, generalized anxiety, and Schizophrenia. My granddaughter is usually friendly, loving and kind. However, when she has her "melt downs," she rages and screams, uncontrollably for up to half an hour. They occur a minimum of five times a week.  She contorts her body, twists her fingers, and has extraordinary strength.  She does not injure herself or breaks things.  

Any little thing can trigger her.  For example, her sandals came off and she wanted to put them back on instead of me, or she wants her teddy bear, but she wants someone else to retrieve it although it’s right next to her.  It’s almost as if a switch goes off in her brain and she needs to go through the melt down.  Sometimes she becomes fixated on saying certain words during her melt down and keeps repeating them.   Her parents and I have tried to see if there is a pattern, like if she is sleepy, tired, hungry, had too much sugar, etc.  But there seems to be no pattern.  

We have done time out, ignored her, but nothing seems to diminish them.   We talked to the pediatrician who said these are tantrums and she will outgrow this behavior.  But….. it doesn’t seem like a regular tantrum.  Additionally, she is fearless and a risk taker in the playground and at home.  She has lots of energy and can spend hours in the park, or jumping in those party bouncing houses without taking a break.  When she is watching a video clip on my phone that she likes or listening to a song, she repeats it like 25 or more times. Any suggestions or strategies we might use?  At this young age should we see a child psychologist or psychiatrist?

Hi, Given your granddaughter's high energy level, intense tantrums, and family history, I would recommend you consult with a child psychologist or child psychiatrist.  Your pediatrician is also right that it is not uncommon for three year olds to have tantrums.  But the family history and her high energy level makes it possible the tantrums are an early sign of anger overload and may not remit in the next couple of years without working on strategies to help her self regulate.  You would want to consult with someone who sees young children and their families.  I doubt they would suggest medication at her young age but they might recommend strategies similar to what I outline in my parent's manual.  My manual is designed so that you can use it on your own or with a therapist. 

In the situations you describe, she wants things her way, and rather than engage her when she seems ready to get into a power struggle, I would recommend trying "emotional distraction" or a relaxation strategy, if possible, before she erupts.  Emotional distraction means that you come up with a song, saying, or activity that changes your child's mood from one of irritation to silliness or happiness. You can sing her favorite song, or you can change the mood by bringing up her favorite activity or doll and asking her or the doll to play together with you.  Basically you are re-directing her, but in a way that just doesn't distract her for a moment, but changes her emotional state.  

Relaxation strategies for this age child might involve her hugging a large stuffed animal or wrapping her in a blanket or having her lay down on her stomach and rubbing her back.  Sometimes a spray with a cool fragrance can help a child relax.  I realize all these suggestions take up time, and you may not be able to do them if you need to get somewhere or do something else.  

If she does tantrum, try to give her as little attention then as possible until she calms down.  Since she is not hurting herself or anyone else during the tantrums, you do not need to restrain her.  By ignoring her at this point, you will not stop the tantrum, but you send an implicit message that she will not get your attention this way.  Over time (weeks or months) the tantrums may lessen in frequency or duration.

Part of what may be feeding the tantrums is her high energy level and high activity level.  Children who react quickly and intensely to stimulation are also prone to react quickly and strongly to frustration, and hence are more likely to exhibit anger overload.  So it will take time (again months) to see improvement in many of these cases, but working on strategies, like what I outline in my manual, are important to help children develop self regulatory (calming) skills.

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

7 yr old acts out in school

Hello. I was reading about anger overload and that is totally my 7 year old son.  Every year since kindergarten my son starts school and it's like 5 months of craziness before he gets settled in.  He acts out in class, get aggressive with other kids, and ends up miserable and with no friends and obviously upset about it. He says he's a jerk, everyone hates him, that I (his mother) think he's a jerk or an idiot.  He's always touching other kids and annoying them.  He gets angry when he feels like things aren't fair or he's not good enough.  He's really smart though. Has no problems learning. I would even say he's a little gifted.. 

I don't know what to do and it stresses me out daily. I work full time and so does his dad.  My mom watches them most days.  When he's at home or with one friend he's amazing! Totally nice, sweet, thoughtful, loves his mommy and family very much..  I'm used to when I do go to school to drop him off or pick up I get dirty looks from parents and already know the teacher is going to tell me something he did wrong that day.  I try not to yell at him at all, when he's in a rage kicking his closet and punching holes in the door I let him be until he calms down.   I take things away for short periods of time, he gets grounded for a day or two, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's hard because he's really great at home but when he's at school it's a different story.  He does sports, swims, skateboards, and is very active.  What more can I do. I'm so tired of this and I know it hurts him that he doesn't have super close friends and relationships with peers.  I don't want him to have to feel this way anymore.
Thank you!

Hi, You point out several scenarios at school when he is likely to blow, e.g. a) he touches other kids and annoys them, or b) when he thinks things are not fair, or c) when he feels he is not good enough.  Work with the teacher to review when these types of triggers are likely to occur. That is, a) what is going on right before he touches other kids, b) what does he not think is fair, and c) what is he doing when he does not feel he is good enough.  Let's take the first scenario:  Young children often want more attention from peers and will touch them to get attention.  Does he seem to want interaction when he touches others?  If so, you could practice at home how to get someone's attention without annoying them.  Role play a situation in class.  Ask your child who he wants to interact with and then practice a way that uses words and does not intrude on another person's space.  Or if your child does not want to role play, then make up a story at bedtime that "shows" him indirectly how to get someone's attention in school.  In volume two of my parent's manual, I explain how to use imaginary stories and also explain other strategies for school.  

Self esteem issues are often another trigger.  You mention that he sometimes does not feel good enough.  There are different techniques you can use here.  In the first volume of my manual for parents, I write about lowering a child's expectations ahead of time, before anger is triggered.  The teacher may be able to intervene and use a "mantra" like "everyone makes mistakes" at the beginning of assignments that in the past have triggered your child's frustration.   .At home you can reinforce the message by telling your child that you hope he made at least one mistake today because that shows he is learning something new.  Ask him to tell you about a mistake and be proud of him for sharing this information with you.

Fairness is another trigger for many children..  Often these children have difficulty seeing other points of view.  Here I recommend helping your child to expect that things sometimes won't go his way.  Also, in the second half of my parent's manual, I explain how to teach child about other points of view.

The underlying principle of all these strategies is to try to alter a child's way of looking at things before he gets upset.  Once anger overload occurs, it is more difficult to intervene because a child is not thinking rationally then.  It is usually better to say as little as possible when a child is in overload, and work on strategies, like those mentioned above, while he is calm.  If you can catch anger early, you can also use emotional distraction:  the teacher could try saying something that can change your child's mood.  Something silly or funny often helps.  It is hard to be extremely angry while you are laughing!  There is more about emotional distraction and relaxation strategies in my original manual for parents.

Best, David Gottlieb, Ph.D.

Behavior charts do not work well with 5 yr olds

Hello, I am in desperate need of advice. I have a 5 year old son and over the last year we have had many issues with his anger. He got kicked out of 2 day cares last year. Towards the end, we found a great daycare that would take him aside when he would get angry and take him away from the situation and take him on a walk outside. The director really took him under her wing and he started doing a lot better. But school ended and I was at home all summer with him and my other 2 year old son. We worked on a behavior chart and spent a lot of time together and he seemed to be doing well. We saw a therapist who suggested no yelling or spanking him and implementing the behavior chart w rewards. He started a new daycare this week. The first day he was okay, the second day he got upset and pushed his chair at his teacher. Then yesterday he had a very good day and he was very proud of himself. Then today he scratched another kid and hit him in the face for not playing the way he wanted to and then was hitting and kicking the director. So now he has been kicked out of the daycare. He was supposed to start Kindergarten on August 24th. I have no idea what to do. The therapist I took him to said he's too young to tell if he has ADHD and that he should do fine at school....well obviously not. And now when I call back, they tell me he was only an intern and is now gone. I need help.

Hi, With anger overload, the outbursts happen so quickly that behavior charts are not often very helpful.  For a reward to work, the child has to be thinking rationally and be ready to try to earn the reward.  But when a child is in overload, he is not thinking rationally and is not thinking about the rewards.  Sometimes charts can help if they target early signs of frustration and help a child choose a calming technique in order to avoid overload.  But this requires early recognition of anger arousing situations, and young children will need adults to help them recognize their emotional triggers.  

So first it is important to keep notes of what is going on immediately prior to an episode, and see over several weeks what triggers emerge.  Then you (or the teacher in day care) can either "change the sequence" or "lower a child's expectations" in advance in order to prevent anger overload.  Or if you can pick up signs that your child is getting frustrated, then you (or the teacher) can also use "emotional distraction" or "relaxation activities". (I explain more about the above strategies, the strategies in quotation marks, in my original manual on anger overload in children and in other posts in this blog.)   Basically, the adult is helping to catch and re-direct a child before he reaches the overload phase.  It is unrealistic to expect five year olds to monitor their own emotional states, and that is why it is important for the teachers and  parents to implement strategies.  

Last year's day care director who took your child out of the situation was on the right track. Avoidance and distraction are key strategies.  I explain how to implement all these strategies in a school setting in my second recently published volume entitled Anger Overload in Children:  Additional Strategies for Teachers and Parents.  Both the original manual and the second volume with additional strategies for teachers can be found on online book stores.

ADHD can lead to impulsive behaviors, and can contribute to episodes of overload. Psychologists who specialize in working with young children can help you diagnose whether this is a contributing factor in your child's case.

Best, David Gottlieb, Ph.D.

The overload phase and what to do about it

All the descriptions of anger overload fit our son perfectly! I understand the long term approach to identifying the triggers and working over time to develop alternative strategies.  Can you please give some suggestions about what to do when he is in a rage? Regardless of where we are he will scream incredibly loudly and be very defiant.  We are very strict at following through on consequences, and once he has come out of his rage, he will accept them and get on with it. The problem is dealing with the rage in the most appropriate way while it is happening so to shorten it and limit the extremity of it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, You bring up an important issue.  The strategies, especially the cognitive approaches in the second half of volume one (as well as the suggestions in part two of volume two), can take weeks or months for children to learn to use at times of anger.  On the other hand, the strategies that parents can use without a child's direct participation (part one of the first manual) can be implemented more quickly but hinge on catching the anger quickly (when possible).  That is why identifying triggers is important:  then you can anticipate difficult situations for your child and try to head off anger before it reaches the overload phase.  

The first step is prevention.  If you see some patterns, you can change your child's expectations ahead of time, or change the sequence to avoid an upset.  In volume one, I explain how to do this.  In volume two, I explain how to do this for sensitive children by using cues and mantras with your child.  

The second step is the early anger phase when you can implement relaxation and distraction strategies (see volume one).  When a child moves right to the overload phase, as your question suggests, it is usually not possible to distract a child.  Then the best approach is to say as little as possible, not even talk yet about consequences.  In other words, try your best to ignore your child, unless he is hurting himself or someone else, and then you need to physically restrain him.  A child in the overload phase is not acting rationally and will usually escalate if you try to talk him through it.  As painful as it is, try to wait it out, giving as little attention to your child as possible.  Save any talk about alternative coping techniques, or consequences, until your child has calmed down and is thinking more rationally.  

Anger overload has a physiological basis in most cases, and therefore it takes time for children to calm down after they reach the overload phase.  But you can lessen the frequency of these events by using the strategies that prevent overload.  Once a child is in the overload phase, your options are limited.  That is why early intervention and planning how to deal with triggers is so important.

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

4 year old with anger overload and sensory sensitivity

Hello,

Thank you very much for reading my email and for any advice you have for me. I just bought your 2 books today about anger overload, but they will not be here until next week.

My son is almost 4 and a half and about 6 months ago seemed to change into a person that is very angry at times and can also be very negative too. His feelings can be very easily hurt, even if no one meant it that way. If my son felt hurt by what you said, then he will burst out crying and run to the next room. He just finished his second year of preschool and has done very well there. His issues are almost always at home with me or his dad. 

We have tried to keep track of his outbursts, and they mostly seem to happen around changing activities (especially if it is an activity that he does not want to stop, like playing baseball) or if it is an activity that he does not want to do such as a bath or go to bed. Most of the time the outburst starts with excessive crying and him running away to the next room. If I go after him and try to reason with him (which I am learning I should not be doing), that is when the violence starts with things like him trying to hit or kick me and call me names. He will also say things like "you don't want me to do anything" or "you don't love me". Then he will say outlandish things like " go ahead, put me in jail" or "just throw me out in the garbage". I have no idea why he would say something like that because I have never said anything like that to him. The outburst can last anywhere from 1 to 15 minutes. When the outburst is over he is remorseful, saying he is sorry and is asking for hugs and kisses. 

He seems to have these outbursts at least once a day up to 3 times a day. My husband and I have been trying different techniques, but if my husband does not see improvement in a few days, he wants to move on to something else. I think we need to be patient. I know this will take time to get better. We need to be consistent. 

My husband and I have differing views on how to discipline our child. He does time outs where I take things away from our son. I realize that both of us need to be on the same page so we do not send mixed signals to our son. The only thing we agree on is that we will never hit our son. 

The other thing that has happened is our son started to be an extremely picky eater at about 2 years old. He is now doing much better with his eating and is willing to try new things to eat. We call it the " no thank you bite". If he does not want to eat something, he has to at least have the no thank you bite to try it. 

He has never liked loud noises and still doesn't. He also has an extremely sensitive sense of smell. That started when he was 3. I have taken self-tests for him being highly sensitive, which it seems he is, but a lot of the books I have read do not go into the anger and/or negativity issues that our son has.

He does not seem to fit ADHD or ODD or even pediatric bipolar disorder. Do you think that this can be anger overload? And/or high sensitivity as well?

Thank you very much for your time and with helping us. This is causing a lot of problems in our family and in our marriage. 


Yes, I think it could be anger overload and sensory sensitivity.  It is not unusual for these two issues to occur together in young children.  Being sensitive to intense sounds, smells, or other extreme sensory input can be irritating for some young children and there is some overlap between the area of the brain that processes sensory input and the area of the brain that deals with emotional stimulation.  For example, the temporal lobes are involved in processing sound and smell as well as emotion.  And the frontal lobes help people organize and control their responses to all different kinds of stimuli, sensory and emotional.  For children with anger overload, there is probably either a lag in the development of part of the prefrontal cortex (that processes and controls emotions like anger) or a lag in communication between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala (an inner brain area that sends emotional signals to the prefrontal cortex).  With time and practice, children's brains develop, and children learn to better control their anger, but it does not happen over night. 

You are right not to follow your son into the other room and try to reason with him when he has outbursts.  Give him time to settle down.  Also try to arrange troublesome situations, like bath time, so that something fun comes afterward.  For bedtime, it is tough to arrange for a subsequent fun activity but try to sit near him in bed and spend five to ten minutes with a favorite story or quiet activity before you turn the lights out.  You want your son to look forward to this bedtime activity so that he will get ready without a big fuss, and sit in bed with you.

You also mention that he erupts sometimes when his feelings are hurt.  Keep track of those situations and look for a theme.  If for example you think he is feeling criticized sometimes, try to mention something that he handled well that day at the same time that you mention something he might not like to hear.  Keep your comments short.  If there are early signs of displeasure or disappointment, try to re-direct him or distract him before he gets too upset. 

In my manual (part 1), I explain how to use emotional distraction and relaxation strategies. The first half of this manual will be especially relevant for four year olds.  In my second book (Anger Overload Volume Two)  I explain how to help sensitive children keep perspective. This section should be helpful to you as well.  In essence you are helping to head off anger overload before it happens, and also helping your son feel better about himself so that he doesn't get as easily hurt.  

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb

8 yr old has outbursts when he fails at something

Thank you in advance for taking time to read this email. My 8 year old son has not been diagnosed with any emotional issues. He has always been doing well in school and has extra curricular martial arts and swim classes weekly.

Ever since his toddler stage he had night terrors, he still has the rare occasional night terrors (we still deploy a pacifier to settle him, that lasts about 15-30 minutes) At around 5 he started to sleep walk; his night terror episodes decreased. He has in the past 2 years, developed angry outburst when he fails at tasks. He does not get physical or verbal but will burst into grunts, tears and shakes. Talking to him or reasoning seems to not work, nor do distractions. We've tried to use his martial arts to let him learn control but he seems not to be getting better at it. We have used the time out to think method, it resulted in him sitting in his room crying and grunting for 20-30 mins. These outbursts will always trigger sleep walking and at times night terrors on the night following the anger. He and his younger brother both attend a school for advanced academics. He has not experienced these outbursts during school hours despite the work load.

Are there other ways we can help him to gain better anger control? He is a very smart young boy who is very socially accepted in school, but he seems not to control his anger at home.

Family back ground: we are an active duty military family and lived in many large military towns. I have two sons, both were born into military life, most of their classmates are the same. I am a stay at home mom and my husband does not spend much time away from home.

Thank you for any advice you can give me. Having to move around a lot makes getting professional advice difficult.

Hi, 

One thought I have is to help your son anticipate that he will sometimes fail at tasks, and that this is to be expected because he is learning new things.  If he doesn't sometimes fail, you would be concerned that he wasn't learning anything new.  In other words you want to normalize failing, since you said this is a situation that leads to his angry outbursts.  You would need to do this before he gets upset, not during an upset.  During an outburst he is not thinking rationally, and the more you try to talk to him, it is possible that he will continue to escalate. 

In  the second volume of my parents' manual, I write about developing a mantra that you repeat daily to your child in order to help him change whatever perception is precipitating an outburst--in this case it is failing at a task.  The mantra is a short saying with a new message for him to consider.  You could discuss with him when he is calm some alternatives and pick one together.  Examples for failing:  a) everyone fails sometimes, b) it's good to fail sometimes because it means you are learning something new, c)  I hope you will fail sometimes, or d) even (famous person like Einstein) failed a lot.  

If you discuss what led to an outburst (after he calms down), you could be understanding about his disappointment in himself, but also help him to look at things a little differently. You could even suggest that you will get him an ice cream (reward) the next time he fails (whether he gets mad or not)!  Then after a few weeks, you could say that the ice cream will be earned if he changes one thing about his upsets, and you would pick one thing he says that you would like him to eliminate or change.  You would be very specific and still allow him to get upset and earn the ice cream.  This of course assumes he like ice cream and also assumes that he does not have access to ice cream otherwise.  You could pick something different for the reward based on the interests of your son.

In the first volume of my manual, I explain other strategies:  how to teach children to recognize different levels of anger and how to look at things from different perspectives. There is also a section about developing relaxation strategies.  

Remember to be patient and understanding as you "seed" a new way of looking at failure. You don't want to rush things because then your son might feel like a failure for not being able to accept failure right away!   

Best, Dr. Dave Gottlieb